Friday, December 25, 2009
Right now, it is 1:30am, the festivities are over...and here i sit at my computer thinking of y0u.
I am thinking of the pain you right before you died, when we were talking with you, loving on you and telling you how much you meant to us.....when you realized that it was the last time we would see you...and the tear that fell from your eyes...
This Christmas, I sat in your home, filled with your grandkids, and thought of how happy you would have been.
Sometimes, I just don't understand life. In those old days when the kids were young and you and dad were young...those were magical days...we knew it...we appreciated it...we tried to live every moment..but day by day..they all slipped away...and everyone grew older. today, I look at myself in the old bathroom mirror that I used to use to put makeup on in high school, and I dont even recognize myself. .....we are born..and grow up ..and slowly grow old..and then we ourselves are gone.
there are so many days that I dont even realize that time passes..i waste it watching silly tv programs or not taking advantage of every day...
other days...i try to appreciate every moment...but it is so hard...because before you know it ..it passes right in front of you.
tonight we set the table, full of sparkle..and light...you would have loved how your house looked.
i had so many dinners at that table. and tonight, it was my turn, with ed sitting in dad's spot and me sitting in yours.
how wierd that was...like a distant memory..while we were struggling to make new ones.
mom, I missed you so many times today....
and then tonight I thought of that tear...that last tear when we were saying goodbye right before you died...and i think it was then that you realized it was our goodbye.
i miss you so much mom..more than words....
merry christmas mommy..............
thank you for giving me such a wonderful life
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I miss you mom.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. Ed and I live in your house, and Hayley is staying in your room. You would have loved it...Specially seeing the girls as much as I did this year.
Tonight i fell on the cement coming outside the bank. It was dark and raining and there was a pothole...and suddenly i was face down on the ground. My nose bled. I have a fat lip and I look at myself and I think of all those times you fell in the last years.
A year ago, we were at the Tamarack for Thanksgiving..we were so sure we were going to get you to come home for Thanksgiving..but then you took a turn for the worse...and on Thanksgiving you felt pretty terrible. It was you and me and Ed and Jules and Christine and you barely ate...didnt even want the pecan pie.
it has been a year ...and yet i still hear your voice in my mind...I am amazed at what a momma's girl i was...and am...and how deep it is..
i find this so hard to live without you.
this isnt a real happy post....but i am thankful...
thankful mom..for you....for dad..for the love and stability you gave me...
thankful that the reason i feel so much pain is because i had so much love...
i miss you mom..
happy thanksgiving...i hope you are thankful now.....
Monday, October 12, 2009
I have avoided you............
not because I don't have anything to say...but because I simply have not taken the time to say it...sometimes it was too much...just too much emotion...
I was so going to post all the time...and pour out my heart on what it was like to loose a parent..
but sometimes i felt all the feelings were repetitive...
then in the past few months...
BIG changes have occurred
we had an estate sale for my mothers home,
then we moved everything out of it......and also packed up our own home and MOVED to my mom's old home......
the economy has taken it's toll on my hubby's manufacturing business...and life has been tough...
so we decided to sell the HUGE house...5+ bedrooms..and inherit my mothers and live in it...simply ....cheaply and fix it up as we go along..
it is a good plan...
how do you get around all the feelings of loss?
Selling our house is necessary...i agree..
but packing it all up after 20 years of living there...full of memories...was quite painful.
we did it however..
and we moved into mom's on the 9th of september. we have been here a month..and have yet to fix anything...(and EVERYTHING needs fixing) because we are spending all our time and money in our old home...getting it ready for the market..
yes, i know it is NOT the time of year to sell ...but then i am hoping....that just one right buyer comes along...and sees our beautiful home...and wants it..
in the meantime, at our old home..we have put in new floors, fixed bathrooms, outside, the kitchen...everything..we really LIVED in our home..and so everything needed painting and fixing.
and now we are at mom's. without her.
we have inherited this house now..it is ours.
but until i can take down some wallpaper and move some walls it will still be hers...
now there is a comfort in this...
but also a sadness..
i am grateful for the gift she gave us...
from a different era..my parents didnt spend money..they lived in the same home for 60 years...
and were careful with every penny....
in the end..they were well taken care of and my brother and i were as well.
he got the money.
i got the house..
good for both of us...
as we enter into winter..i just want spring to begin..
my old house sold..my new childhood home to be fixed up...
walls to be moved..wallpaper taken off.... a new kitchen a new bathroom..you name it...
i want new...something new..
i want to BUILD on the foundation that my parents have given me..but i dont want to LIVE in all the memories ALL the time...
but NOW...i am in the time where i have to embrace the grief that is in front of me and make it my friend...so that i can move on....so that the sweet embrace of good memories and happy lives that mom and dads house gives me...will turn into the foundation of my hubby and my life..
the other day..i walked into the living room..with my mothers dinning room table..
for a split second i was back years..at her dinner parties..full of good food and happy people...
for a moment i cried...longing for the day to make new memories as i close out these chapters of the past.
the photo is of mom and dad in the room my husband and i now sleep in.
waiting already for the spring to come.....
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
My mother was a grandmother and i mean a GRANDMOTHER..you know the type..the ones that made everything about the grandkids..everything....
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Since I have been going thru my parents things....I have experienced something that i didnt think i would...i found my dad within the pages of her memories...and although it has been 8 years since he died..when i read everything..i can hear him as though he is right here.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Today was an incredible day for America..as millions of people have commented on all day today..so many people watched tv...watching the America we once knew..change..and grow.. a great day...a day of hope for the future.
i remembered my mom and dad, who voted in every election since they were young. who volunteered as precinct captains and who loved being active politically. the only year Frannie did not vote, was this past year, November 2008. she was in the hospital, and unable to get out and vote. she had decided that she wanted to vote for Obama, she thought it was time for America. she had seen all the changes throughout the years...and felt it was time to give an African American a chance.
a bold statement for a white woman raised in middle america, in her age bracket.
I thought of how many time, in the last few weeks of her life, that she asked when the innaguration would be...she was loosing track of time..and thought we were ready for january to be here...she was interested in life throughout her life.... she would have loved today.....
My daughter and I watched Tv all day..the innaguration, the parade, the commentators..all of it...and then we were looking forward to the Innagural balls....and it was while I was watching michelle and barack dance to "At Last"at 10 different innagural balls, realizing that it must have be "their" song...that i got choked up...and struggled missing my mom again....
Because watching michelle and barack dance to this song, reminded me of my mother and father dancing to their song "Stardust". At any event, all through my growing up years, they would dance to that song. When my father put on his business conventions, my brother or I would always secretly go to the band director and ask them to play "Stardust". It always represented my mother and father. It was a song that they danced to when they began to date in college...and they loved to dance..and they danced to it throughout their almost 60 years of marriage.
One time, when mom and dad were quite old, we were in Jerusalem at a hotel, and when we walked into the lobby and the piano player was playing "stardust" ...and in the middle of the lobby, this couple of 58 years of marriage began to dance cheek to cheek. It was a magical moment.
At my dad's funeral, we played stardust...and last December, I sang it to mom when she was dying and at her funeral, we played it one last time.
it was at mom's funeral that i really listened to the lyrics and found out what a sad and haunting song it really was...that it really didn't speak of young love...but instead of old love...one that lasted and now was gone...but there would always be the memory of it...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Today, I went thru my moms house. This will definately take some time. she hung on to everything...but the thing that stands out the most was that all cards and notes really meant alot to her. She valued people, definately not things. most of her things are broken or in disrepair, but all her cards and notes were kept near her table or what she would use as a desk in her later years. She ate there, did her pills there, did her bills there, wrote letters there. it was always quite a mess when we came over and we always wanted to clean it up.
She didn't like anyone messing with her things..and poohpoohed us. Chasing us away if we lifted or changed anything that she had out. She also kept every little thing that my kids ever made her. everything...and not only did she keep them, she displayed them. it didnt matter that my children are now adults themselves...she still kept these things and displayed them as proudly as she did when 4 year old hands gave them to her.
so many things that we could throw out, should throw out..but how can we?
she also saved every single christmas card ever given to her...and the handmade ones she displayed and used for decorations every year. and she took pictures of how she put them out, so she wouldnt forget anyone..ever..or anything they gave her and that they would see how much she cared about the things they made her.
then i came upon my mommas 50th wedding anniversary cards. 18 years ago. she kept this bag near her desk as well, and when i looked through them, my heart grew sad...almost half of people who gave her cards were now dead. she had lost most of her friends...and it was clear to see why she saved everything and displayed everything..holding on to what was precious to her...her own treasures.. her friends...people who she cared for and who cared for her...
not a life built on things...but on people.
oh mom...so many lessons for me to learn...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
my daughter and i went to a movie today and it was really nice. but as i was getting up to leave, i saw all the older women with their walkers sitting where just months before my mom and i sat. for no reason and yet for all the reasons in the world, i began to just cry.
later in the evening my daughter and i sat to watch desperate housewives, the 1ooth episode and they made a complete departure from the story line and proceeded to talk about someone who was in all their lives that they barely even thought about and one by one they realized what a huge impact that person had on all of them.
then i came upstairs..and just like desperate housewives..felt like toasting my mother..someone i didnt realize what a huge impact her loss in my life would be. for you mom...thank you...a toast to you...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
went to the Senior center today...taught the class on making valentines...so many older people who are so used to death they thought i should be "over it" by now.
over it? this is my mother..how is it possible to be over her death? i miss her so much and going to where she lived last was painful... i longed to go back to the house she lived in before she moved there. the place i still feel her warm embrace...but i spent the hour and a half and went to the senior living center..said hi to the staff and felt USED. are they kidding? why would i want to come back as tho there is a place for me there...
i embraced the elderly thing when my mother was there..i was involved...was committed to seeing the people..but now..it has been a month and i think it is not time..not now..not there...but the women who were there for the class were kind and warm..and i was happy and sweet and kind as well..but inside i felt quite sad...and came home with a stomach ache.
i think that is from the hidden feelings...
i miss frannie...i miss my momma