I have been avoiding this blog.I admit it.
Not that I haven't thought of it..oh yes, I have...but I have actively avoided it....writing blogs in my head, but not on paper.
I am not sure why..this is supposed to be my place..to emote..to let out those emotions that are like the huge elephant in the room...but no one wants to talk about.
but..i guess i didn't want to talk about it either.
i want to move on...this has been so hard...and i want to move on..i don't want to feel the pain of deep loss.
but how do you move on from your parents....this is impossible....how do you do it...everywhere you look..there are pieces of them...they are not just somebody they are everthing...they are afterall...parents...the stability...the cheerleaders of our lives...at least my parents were...
my biggest fans...
the loss is so deep...it aches..i remember loss before this..it would be the perverbial "sock in the stomach" kind of feeling..but this is much deeper...the pain goes all the way to my toes...there is no end to it..no resolution..it is final..and it hurts...and i miss everything about my parents.
i lived near them, which means i never really moved away..well...that meant that i was around..all the time...so i tried to move away in my life...with other friends..other things to do...
and i know they understood that..they were the same..they were very active people, parents who LIVED life. they didnt mind that we had our own life..in fact, I would say they encouraged it.
but now..i think..why didn't i do this? and why didn't i do that? the regret is really painful.
now i know i did alot..but somehow..when you loose someone you love so much..you wonder if you really did enough.........i know ..this is all part of loss...but it is a very real part...the guilt..the looking back...the wishing i did this and that.
last week, for instance, i went to see my brother..with my hubby. we celebrated my nephews 16th birthday. i had never been to their home. it is 6 hours away..and well, it just was that my brother always drove out here. last year, mom and i were going to go see him but my hubby got sick and i couldnt go.
my daughter drove her to see my brother before..but not me...why? but i was the one that took her to every doctor appointment, or to her hair, or out to eat all the time..but why not go see my brother...the things i wish i had done...so many little moments we miss...when we are "busy"with so many other things...........
anyhow..it was good with my brother..i felt i needed to reestablish our relationship...as brother and sister..the only ones left. this hadnt happened yet..and it was important.
he is coming out next week..the dreaded week, when we go thru the stuff..when he takes what he wants and i take what i want...
and the house emptys out...and we say goodbye again.
it is mothers day next week....last year we went to waa muu. my mothers alma matta...and we watched a show and she didnt feel real well. then we went out to eat..and she was tired.
i was out of town for mothers day last year...with my kids overseas...my son was with her for mothers day..so we celebrated a year ago today...we toasted..and hugged and got her flowers...
i miss my mom so much...................
it doesnt really seem to get any better...
cathi
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