meeting with her girlfriend...

Today, I went out with one of my mom's friends. (this photo is of her and the gal i went out with)  She wrote me a sweet note, so I wanted to give her some photos of mom and her and all her groups..and talk with her.

But, yesterday, i had gone with my daughter to my moms fav restaurant. i am trying to go to all those places with my daughter..since each place holds so many memories.. i know that being with my daughter will help this ...and i knew we would talk..

so we did...alot...and by last evening, i was begining to get overwhelmed...maybe i was anticipating todays meeting..maybe i was just weary ...grief is hard to carry...

So this afternoon, ..mom's friend M and I  met for lunch...and we went to bakers square..it was free pie afternoon and that meant that all the senoirs came out...and it was ash wednesday...which in some churches is the rememberance of "Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." 

i was early..and sat with my box of photos and an old scrapbook to give to my moms friend...and here were all these lovely older people with walkers and ashes on their heads..each of them smiled at me and many of them talked with me ( i have one of those faces i guess)  and soon my heart started to grow heavy with grief...and in came my moms friend.. i immediately got up and hugged her...

M and I  talked for hours...she talked about her family...and her life...she had been feeling quite alone..she lost her hubby, her dog, my mom (one of her closest friends) and another one of her friends...

so we sat and looked at photos...and hugged and cried...

then i had to go to the bathroom... (way too much coffee!!)...and when i got in there..i remembered the last time i had been there, it was only months ago,  i was helping my mom get into the bathroom..so grateful to be able to help her....she with her independence..and me with my wanting to help her anyway i could...it was only months ago...and today i was sitting with her friend remembering a woman i just saw a few months ago.....

and i missed her..i missed my mom so much ..right in the middle of bakers square bathroom..missing caring for her...hearing her voice...hugging her..laughing with her...

i wish there was some kind of handbook to follow to get us through all this...it is so hard...sometimes..it feels like..ok..i can do this...life goes on...and other times..i just crumble under the sheer weight of loosing my mother....

it was ash wednesday today...."Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

i don't really like celebrating the remembrance of us being dust...

catherine