Dear Blog,
I have avoided you............
not because I don't have anything to say...but because I simply have not taken the time to say it...sometimes it was too much...just too much emotion...
I was so going to post all the time...and pour out my heart on what it was like to loose a parent..
but sometimes i felt all the feelings were repetitive...
then in the past few months...
BIG changes have occurred
we had an estate sale for my mothers home,
then we moved everything out of it......and also packed up our own home and MOVED to my mom's old home......
the economy has taken it's toll on my hubby's manufacturing business...and life has been tough...
so we decided to sell the HUGE house...5+ bedrooms..and inherit my mothers and live in it...simply ....cheaply and fix it up as we go along..
it is a good plan...
but...
how do you get around all the feelings of loss?
Selling our house is necessary...i agree..
but packing it all up after 20 years of living there...full of memories...was quite painful.
we did it however..
and we moved into mom's on the 9th of september. we have been here a month..and have yet to fix anything...(and EVERYTHING needs fixing) because we are spending all our time and money in our old home...getting it ready for the market..
yes, i know it is NOT the time of year to sell ...but then i am hoping....that just one right buyer comes along...and sees our beautiful home...and wants it..
in the meantime, at our old home..we have put in new floors, fixed bathrooms, outside, the kitchen...everything..we really LIVED in our home..and so everything needed painting and fixing.
and now we are at mom's. without her.
we have inherited this house now..it is ours.
but until i can take down some wallpaper and move some walls it will still be hers...
now there is a comfort in this...
but also a sadness..
i am grateful for the gift she gave us...
from a different era..my parents didnt spend money..they lived in the same home for 60 years...
and were careful with every penny....
in the end..they were well taken care of and my brother and i were as well.
he got the money.
i got the house..
good for both of us...
as we enter into winter..i just want spring to begin..
my old house sold..my new childhood home to be fixed up...
walls to be moved..wallpaper taken off.... a new kitchen a new bathroom..you name it...
i want new...something new..
i want to BUILD on the foundation that my parents have given me..but i dont want to LIVE in all the memories ALL the time...
but NOW...i am in the time where i have to embrace the grief that is in front of me and make it my friend...so that i can move on....so that the sweet embrace of good memories and happy lives that mom and dads house gives me...will turn into the foundation of my hubby and my life..
the other day..i walked into the living room..with my mothers dinning room table..
for a split second i was back years..at her dinner parties..full of good food and happy people...
for a moment i cried...longing for the day to make new memories as i close out these chapters of the past.
the photo is of mom and dad in the room my husband and i now sleep in.
waiting already for the spring to come.....
catherine
