Why can't we hold onto a moment?......

It has been an up and down kind of week..

I have been cleaning out my moms things..and the more i find..the more grateful i am that there is so much for me to go thru..

I have found my mom in the pages of her daily diaries...from when she was 12 til when she was 90...there is so much...

i have found her in the notes she saved..and the things she wrote...the smell of her perfume...and the piles of scrapbooks that she saved ...

i have really grown to admire my mom so much more while going thru her things...and at times, i fall under the...why did she have to die..to ...i am so glad she didnt have to live as a blind and deaf woman....this was the direction she was quickly heading to...

in the past few months, my mother lost all the sight in her left eye...and her right eye was at 50%. in the hospital she didnt want to read, or watch tv, or listen to anything..she was tired and she couldnt see and her hearing was failing as well...in fact i didnt even bring her flowers...the first time, because she couldnt see them, or smell them.....as she was sleeping, she was just waiting for the end.

it is a very hard thing for a daughter to accept...

but as i read all her writings...her missing my dad...her joy of life...and her completely full life...her love of being a wife, a mother, a grandmother..... until only this past year when she was getting weaker and weaker....

i slowly am accepting this...

it is so painful...to let go...to say this is final... final...oh i can barely say this word....i find this all so hard..

it is so painful for me too, to let go of the past, those sweet memories of youth...when everything was young...and wonderfully alive......why cant we hold onto time?

catherine