it is christmas.....................

Dear Mom.........

Right now, it is 1:30am, the festivities are over...and here i sit at my computer thinking of y0u.

I am thinking of the pain you right before you died, when we were talking with you, loving on you and telling you how much you meant to us.....when you realized that it was the last time we would see you...and the tear that fell from your eyes...

This Christmas, I sat in your home, filled with your grandkids, and thought of how happy you would have been.

Sometimes, I just don't understand life. In those old days when the kids were young and you and dad were young...those were magical days...we knew it...we appreciated it...we tried to live every moment..but day by day..they all slipped away...and everyone grew older. today, I look at myself in the old bathroom mirror that I used to use to put makeup on in high school, and I dont even recognize myself. .....we are born..and grow up ..and slowly grow old..and then we ourselves are gone.

there are so many days that I dont even realize that time passes..i waste it watching silly tv programs or not taking advantage of every day...

other days...i try to appreciate every moment...but it is so hard...because before you know it ..it passes right in front of you.

tonight we set the table, full of sparkle..and light...you would have loved how your house looked.
i had so many dinners at that table. and tonight, it was my turn, with ed sitting in dad's spot and me sitting in yours.
how wierd that was...like a distant memory..while we were struggling to make new ones.

mom, I missed you so many times today....

and then tonight I thought of that tear...that last tear when we were saying goodbye right before you died...and i think it was then that you realized it was our goodbye.

i miss you so much mom..more than words....
merry christmas mommy..............
thank you for giving me such a wonderful life

cathi

Merry Christmas mom..................

My favorite Christmas song...

one year ago tomorrow

Happy Thanksgiving mom...........

I miss you mom.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. Ed and I live in your house, and Hayley is staying in your room. You would have loved it...Specially seeing the girls as much as I did this year.

Tonight i fell on the cement coming outside the bank. It was dark and raining and there was a pothole...and suddenly i was face down on the ground. My nose bled. I have a fat lip and I look at myself and I think of all those times you fell in the last years.

A year ago, we were at the Tamarack for Thanksgiving..we were so sure we were going to get you to come home for Thanksgiving..but then you took a turn for the worse...and on Thanksgiving you felt pretty terrible. It was you and me and Ed and Jules and Christine and you barely ate...didnt even want the pecan pie.

it has been a year ...and yet i still hear your voice in my mind...I am amazed at what a momma's girl i was...and am...and how deep it is..
i find this so hard to live without you.
this isnt a real happy post....but i am thankful...
thankful mom..for you....for dad..for the love and stability you gave me...
thankful that the reason i feel so much pain is because i had so much love...

i miss you mom..
happy thanksgiving...i hope you are thankful now.....
catherine

October already...and 2 months away from 1 year

Dear Blog,
I have avoided you............
not because I don't have anything to say...but because I simply have not taken the time to say it...sometimes it was too much...just too much emotion...
I was so going to post all the time...and pour out my heart on what it was like to loose a parent..

but sometimes i felt all the feelings were repetitive...

then in the past few months...
BIG changes have occurred
we had an estate sale for my mothers home,
then we moved everything out of it......and also packed up our own home and MOVED to my mom's old home......
the economy has taken it's toll on my hubby's manufacturing business...and life has been tough...

so we decided to sell the HUGE house...5+ bedrooms..and inherit my mothers and live in it...simply ....cheaply and fix it up as we go along..

it is a good plan...

but...
how do you get around all the feelings of loss?
Selling our house is necessary...i agree..
but packing it all up after 20 years of living there...full of memories...was quite painful.
we did it however..
and we moved into mom's on the 9th of september. we have been here a month..and have yet to fix anything...(and EVERYTHING needs fixing) because we are spending all our time and money in our old home...getting it ready for the market..

yes, i know it is NOT the time of year to sell ...but then i am hoping....that just one right buyer comes along...and sees our beautiful home...and wants it..

in the meantime, at our old home..we have put in new floors, fixed bathrooms, outside, the kitchen...everything..we really LIVED in our home..and so everything needed painting and fixing.

and now we are at mom's. without her.
we have inherited this house now..it is ours.
but until i can take down some wallpaper and move some walls it will still be hers...

now there is a comfort in this...

but also a sadness..
i am grateful for the gift she gave us...

from a different era..my parents didnt spend money..they lived in the same home for 60 years...
and were careful with every penny....
in the end..they were well taken care of and my brother and i were as well.
he got the money.
i got the house..

good for both of us...

as we enter into winter..i just want spring to begin..
my old house sold..my new childhood home to be fixed up...
walls to be moved..wallpaper taken off.... a new kitchen a new bathroom..you name it...
i want new...something new..
i want to BUILD on the foundation that my parents have given me..but i dont want to LIVE in all the memories ALL the time...

but NOW...i am in the time where i have to embrace the grief that is in front of me and make it my friend...so that i can move on....so that the sweet embrace of good memories and happy lives that mom and dads house gives me...will turn into the foundation of my hubby and my life..


the other day..i walked into the living room..with my mothers dinning room table..
for a split second i was back years..at her dinner parties..full of good food and happy people...

for a moment i cried...longing for the day to make new memories as i close out these chapters of the past.

the photo is of mom and dad in the room my husband and i now sleep in.

waiting already for the spring to come.....
catherine

Clearing out the house....

It has been 7+months and I have been working for these past few months getting things done around my mom's home...and trying to clean up and clear out...

But now it is time...

I am having an estate sale in the next few weeks...and we have gone thru almost all of it...

my darling middle daughter is here with me...

at the same time..my hubby has had to take a huge cut in pay because of the economy...and after the past few years of loads of financial struggles we have made the decision to sell our house and move into my moms...we need financial freedom...it will change our lives and we need it...i dont see any other way....

but.........i have such mixed emotions...

on one hand..i am so blessed to have a mom and dad that took such good care of their finances that we can inherit this house...what a blessing..(that was their depression mind set)

and as i go thru all their paperwork, i see how it was their dream...their future..their hope...

i run across all the paperwork that my dad so carefully saved of every little thing he did in the house...

and then i look at my husband and i know that the house we are in now is his dream...and that he is truly broken hearted and keeps hoping for a last minute miracle. (but now we are in the modern day depression)

and the work...

there is so much work...

we have a Huge house..and i didnt hesitate to fill it.

and i am trying so hard to be happy and cheery and full of life and every now and then i just get so sad at all the loss in the past few years....

but i know how life is...i know that ecclesiastes is true ...that there is a time for everything...and in time..it will all work out ok....

and i have tender memories at my parents home...good memories...happy memories...

so it is a peaceful place for me....

BUT the work!

finishing the sale...

finishing the house we are in now...

packing...storing...going thru stuff...

everything is simply overwhelming..

"hot dog" wish i had a million dollars...(from Its a wonderful life!)

ah.......

cleaning out the old memories..building on a strong foundation...

can i make new memories in this house of theirs?

i miss y0u mommy..

thank you...........................................

catherine

The photo on the top is mom...the photo on the bottom looks like her...and my daughter who is selling photos now...found this one.....thought i would ad this on this post.

It has been 4 weeks...since i have written.

It is summer...this is the time of SO many memories..last year..was the full year of doing everything with mom during the summer..

this summer..i am much more lost..while still trying to get things done..

still trying to work...

still going thru stuff in my home..and in my parents home...still going thru stuff...

i met with her girlfriends...3 different ones..

we had a nice time...shared photos..

i talked with some of her groups...friends of the library...it was nice as well.........

i cried one day sooo much...

other days..i just kept on....numb and then not numb....

and my brother finally came....and we worked on what we wanted and where we were at..

it was a nice time...

more final for him...

more hopeful actually for me...

now hubby and i are going to work on selling our home...

move into moms...

get out of debt...

still saying goodbye..

i think i believe in rubber maid tubs...tubs to hold those things i cant yet throw out..but am sure i should...

so hard.......

miss you mommmy.....so much......................

catherine

a year ago........

Mom & my brother & his wife 2 years ago

It was a year ago....

i know i felt real sad today..

no apparent reason..the house was full...people were in and out...my children were on the phone...

but i felt so sad..really blue..

wow..am i depressed?

then i thought...and thought..

and cried...

and realized..

it was a year ago..this weekend....

i had just gotten home from overseas...and just felt in my gut i needed to get home...

so i got back earlier than i planned and sure enough..my mom had been in an accident...and she was injured...and wasn't doing well..she felt stupid...felt at a loss..couldnt see as well..and was ...welll...scared....so i called my brother...and he came out...and we took her to a independant living home. and we left her there. well we hardly "left" her...we stayed with her 24/7 for quite a few weeks, but you get the message..we put her in the independent living facility and mom WAS NOT HAPPY.. she used to say..i am living in hell...

she was mad..

not happy that she was not independent...but she was close to death and her heart was not working..her food intake was horrible..she was NOT taking care of herself...so we did it..

my brother left..and i felt HORRIBLE ..i cried day and night and brought out each of my kids to see her ...to stay with her..to have all of us hang around her...went to every meal...volunteered...you name it...

and you know what?? she began to accept it..slowly and stubbornly...

and finally i said..mom..do you want to go home? i can carpet the house, get someone in to cook for you...but you can go back..you are much better now..and she said...no..i think this is good for me...

at the end she accepted it..

but it was so so hard.

and my brother left. 

and didnt come back to visit for 6 months (um...thanks)

the photo is from her 90th birthday party..that was 2 years ago.

she began to give up after that..she wanted to be with daddy.

i know last year we hurt her a year ago....she was hurt and..mad...

but i know it was the nicest year we had...we had almost every day together...

moments we wouldnt have had...if she had gotten in that car accident and didnt survive.

it was so hard a year ago...but i am so grateful for that year...

mom...i miss you so much

catherine

Happy Mothers Day, Mommy

My first mothers day without you...

all day I thought of you..and missed you........

a few days later...today, I cried..

guess i was holding it in...

missing you mom...

thank you again for being such a good woman.. (can i say it enough?)

my brother is being difficult..

wont get out here to work on the estate..and things feel like they are in limbo...

i dont like that...but what else is new..you know your son...so why exactly did you make him executor??

anyhow...

looking at the springtime...feeling sad and bittersweet..

sure i will feel happy again...

but it feels along way off

catherine

last summer's photo of mom and my son jules..

I have been avoiding this blog.

I admit it.

Not that I haven't thought of it..oh yes, I have...but I have actively avoided it....writing blogs in my head, but not on paper.

I am not sure why..this is supposed to be my place..to emote..to let out those emotions that are like the huge elephant in the room...but no one wants to talk about.

but..i guess i didn't want to talk about it either.

i want to move on...this has been so hard...and i want to move on..i don't want to feel the pain of deep loss.

but how do you move on from your parents....this is impossible....how do you do it...everywhere you look..there are pieces of them...they are not just somebody they are everthing...they are afterall...parents...the stability...the cheerleaders of our lives...at least my parents were...

my biggest fans...

the loss is so deep...it aches..i remember loss before this..it would be the perverbial "sock in the stomach" kind of feeling..but this is much deeper...the pain goes all the way to my toes...there is no end to it..no resolution..it is final..and it hurts...and i miss everything about my parents.

i lived near them, which means i never really moved away..well...that meant that i was around..all the time...so i tried to move away in my life...with other friends..other things to do...

and i know they understood that..they were the same..they were very active people, parents who LIVED life. they didnt mind that we had our own life..in fact, I would say they encouraged it.

but now..i think..why didn't i do this? and why didn't i do that? the regret is really painful.

now i know i did alot..but somehow..when you loose someone you love so much..you wonder if you really did enough.........i know ..this is all part of loss...but it is a very real part...the guilt..the looking back...the wishing i did this and that.

last week, for instance, i went to see my brother..with my hubby. we celebrated my nephews 16th birthday. i had never been to their home. it is 6 hours away..and well, it just was that my brother always drove out here. last year, mom and i were going to go see him but my hubby got sick and i couldnt go. 

my daughter drove her to see my brother before..but not me...why? but i was the one that took her to every doctor appointment, or to her hair, or out to eat all the time..but why not go see my  brother...the things i wish i had done...so many little moments we miss...when we are "busy"with so many other things...........

anyhow..it was good with my brother..i felt i needed to reestablish our relationship...as brother and sister..the only ones left. this hadnt happened yet..and it was important.

he is coming out next week..the dreaded week, when we go thru the stuff..when he takes what he wants and i take what i want...

and the house emptys out...and we say goodbye again.

it is mothers day next week....last year we went to waa muu. my mothers alma matta...and we watched a show and she didnt feel real well. then we went out to eat..and she was tired. 

i was out of town for mothers day last year...with my kids overseas...my son was with her for mothers day..so we celebrated a year ago today...we toasted..and hugged and got her flowers...

i miss my mom so much...................

it doesnt really seem to get any better...

cathi

4 months later........

Tomorrow it will be 4months since my mom died.

In some ways, I am ok...going thru her stuff...sorting things out..putting things away.

Sometimes, I feel like I am ignoring it..trying to get going on other things...but at other moments...I am keenly aware of loosing my mother.

The end of her life was a lonely time for her. She missed my dad ...and she missed my daughters who had all moved away. She had me, but I think that she felt that I had my hubby. Sometimes I dont think she felt as needed. 

Sometimes I think she just felt like she was done and had accomplished all she was supposed to.

Sometimes I think she was just tired and ready to be with my dad.

Going thru her things, there are so many times that I wish I let her know more how much she meant to me.....yet, I know I did, and I know she knew......but there are so many regrets when it comes to death.. I fight them all the time...she was such a part of my life...that I know i took so much for granted....I guess the real reason behind all the regret is that I just miss her so much....

This week was a hard one for my husband. He had to go thru all sorts of tests, found a melanoma on his back, had it removed, had heart tests, blood tests...all of that.

He is fine...thankfully...but it did make me think...was I loving him enough especially now, while I am in this time period. I am sure I have totatlly taken him for granted too...

I guess that is all apart of life...expecting those we love to always be there..to always understand....but we need to remember...that they will not always be there..

I went out with my uncle and aunt last week. my dads brother. it was really special. They had been married 25 years...they were married late in life and my uncle is turning 80 this year. my dad died when he was 85...so I know my uncle is counting his days...

We talked about and  remembered all the family reunions....all the family moments...those days are  long gone....many of those relatives are gone now...there were tears while we were together...

my uncle said..it is up to you now...to make your family strong....to create your own family memories...

I miss my mom...and I miss all those moments that I took for granted...i just miss having a mommy

catherine

Old Sympathy letters...and hidden emotions

The last few days I have been very out of touch with my feelings..just kind of walking in a haze trying to get things done and not really connecting to my heart.

There are good reasons for it..the show must go on..and so on..I have work to do..pressures with bills etc...but these months i wanted to keep close to these emotions  and not be like this...and i found myself drawing, painting, sewing, anything just to get away from emotions.

It is easier that way..but not very productive.

So i began to list on ebay..my other life...and found a large grouping of old letters. I have a lot of random things i need to get  out of my home and this is one of them....so i began to read them..and they were all sympathy notes...and letters from 1920...but the strange thing..maybe because i am grieving, maybe because this is a different time..i really enjoyed reading them..i wanted to keep the grouping...just because the writing was so beautiful....

and then i realized...mmmmm...not connecting with my heart. so i listened to music and i cried.

also actually...and it was good.

then i called one of my mom's friends daughters...she was a gal who lost her mom only weeks before i lost mine. i figured we should be at the same place. 

we were...and i was relieved....do you feel kind of ditzy i said??spacey??yes, she said...

and so on....we found out that in the grieving process...we could really relate....

we are having lunch next week..

catherine

Happy Birthday Frannie.....

March 13th would have been my mom's 92nd birthday. This photo is from her 90th birthday when we threw a large birthday party for her.

I decorated the basement of her church and she invited everyone she knew. She was so excited and she looked forward to it for months. In fact she even had the party in May instead of March because she wanted certain people to be there.

She had a lot of people show up, and those that didn't show up, she got cards from..I mean she got LOTS and LOTS of cards!  

My youngest daughter did a video of her life..it was wonderful...and she loved it...and she watched it over and over again...and so did all her friends..

I told her that I didn't want  her to never know all the people who loved her..I didn't want her funeral to be the place that everyone said nice things...and I didn't want the funeral to be where the video is without her ever knowing...

so it was all said...there were letters...and loads of love and at the end of the day she was grateful at her  wonderful life.. and her wonderful friends...

months after that..she said she was ready...ready to see my dad...ready to be with the Lord...i told her..well..God obviously wasn't ready yet..and she had to hang in there and find the rest of the things that she was supposed to do....and she did...for another year and 9 months...since her 90th celebration...she continued to love...to write notes...to be a friend to everyone..and we got to have wonderful priceless moments together....

After the party...we froze the cake top from her party...over and over again..she wanted me to use it..to celebrate something with it...we forgot to use it for her birthday..(her 91st) and we forgot to use it for her anniversary...and she kept reminding me...i thought it was probably pretty icky by almost 2 years later in moms freezer...so i kind of forgot about it...(mom couldn't taste anyway at the end..so she thought it would be just fine!)

When she died and we did her funeral...we had the video there..instead of looking at her body..everyone looked at the video and sat in the chairs and celebrated her life...

we all just celebrated mom...any notes i got...and i got quite a few..there were no surprises..all the people who talked...all the people who wrote..were the same that said all the loving things to her....her funeral was just an aftermath...she got to enjoy her own eulogy....

on her birthday..a good friend of my mother's daughter took me to lunch...we talked and celebrated our mothers...we missed them..and we reminisced....and we looked at pictures...and there were some touching moments...

my middle daughter drove in with her hubby and was with me for the birthday...

we got the cake out of the freezer.. turned off the lights and lit a candle...and prayed..thanking God for our wonderful Noni....(my hubby even sang)

then we ate the cake...

it wasn't bad..she was right....

but she still wouldn't have been able to taste it..and she was a diabetic..

so i guess i don't feel too bad  that she didnt have it.......but i can tell she would have said..

"well it's about time you ate it!"

catherine

another transition..

My mother was a grandmother and i mean a GRANDMOTHER..you know the type..the ones that made everything about the grandkids..everything....

and i lived close by..which means that she was in their lives all the time..

from the minute they were born..

(literally as in the case of my youngest) and at every function possible..

even in my moms 89th year, she headed out to see my middle daughter married, would not miss it for the world..( and she was married in Italy!)

she truly excelled at being a grandmother...

she really was our biggest fan and gave unconditional love..

so when she lay dying last december, I was fortunate to have one of my daughters with me...the other two live overseas..and i was able to put them on the phone...and she was able to talk with them before she died..

we talked about how they were fine...how she did such a good job...

how she didnt have to worry about them....

she heard me...and a tear fell down her cheek...

so when she died, all my children came back...two flew in from out of the country....

and then, over the weeks after..one by one they went home...

but my eldest  was able to stay for awhile..she has been here since my mom died...since her beloved "noni" died...the timing amazingly enough was perfect and she was in a good place finishing up her degree and had a few months that she could give  to me...helping me clean out the house..go thru the papers..haul out things..go to lawyers.. accountants...and all of that....we went to movies...shopped, hung out and cried...we had long late night talks...and it was quite special...

and today..almost 3 months have gone by...and it was time for her to fly to her home, to go on with HER life. I was so so fortunate to have been able to have that much time with her...amazing...

so i took her to the airport...and suddenly i felt as though that crutch that i didnt even know i was using...was taken away...for a few moments, maybe even more than a few..inside,  i was really shook...

we of course ...hugged...we of course.. cried...but i could tell  and so could she),  it is time....

i know noni would want it that way... she would want her grandchildren's lives to be rich and full....she would be the cheerleader in the front telling all her friends about all my kids latest accomplishments...

noni, thank you for loving my kids so much...for being there for everything...for every phone call..for everytime you babysat...everytime you picked them up from school, or girl scouts, for all the school plays we went to..or band concerts...for all the birthday parties..for all the cards ..i cant even begin to list all the things you did..for you were such a foundation for them..but most of all..thank you, for all the unconditional love and support and for teaching my children what love looks like...

catherine

meeting with her girlfriend...

Today, I went out with one of my mom's friends. (this photo is of her and the gal i went out with)  She wrote me a sweet note, so I wanted to give her some photos of mom and her and all her groups..and talk with her.

But, yesterday, i had gone with my daughter to my moms fav restaurant. i am trying to go to all those places with my daughter..since each place holds so many memories.. i know that being with my daughter will help this ...and i knew we would talk..

so we did...alot...and by last evening, i was begining to get overwhelmed...maybe i was anticipating todays meeting..maybe i was just weary ...grief is hard to carry...

So this afternoon, ..mom's friend M and I  met for lunch...and we went to bakers square..it was free pie afternoon and that meant that all the senoirs came out...and it was ash wednesday...which in some churches is the rememberance of "Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." 

i was early..and sat with my box of photos and an old scrapbook to give to my moms friend...and here were all these lovely older people with walkers and ashes on their heads..each of them smiled at me and many of them talked with me ( i have one of those faces i guess)  and soon my heart started to grow heavy with grief...and in came my moms friend.. i immediately got up and hugged her...

M and I  talked for hours...she talked about her family...and her life...she had been feeling quite alone..she lost her hubby, her dog, my mom (one of her closest friends) and another one of her friends...

so we sat and looked at photos...and hugged and cried...

then i had to go to the bathroom... (way too much coffee!!)...and when i got in there..i remembered the last time i had been there, it was only months ago,  i was helping my mom get into the bathroom..so grateful to be able to help her....she with her independence..and me with my wanting to help her anyway i could...it was only months ago...and today i was sitting with her friend remembering a woman i just saw a few months ago.....

and i missed her..i missed my mom so much ..right in the middle of bakers square bathroom..missing caring for her...hearing her voice...hugging her..laughing with her...

i wish there was some kind of handbook to follow to get us through all this...it is so hard...sometimes..it feels like..ok..i can do this...life goes on...and other times..i just crumble under the sheer weight of loosing my mother....

it was ash wednesday today...."Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

i don't really like celebrating the remembrance of us being dust...

catherine

Its Valentines Day............

I have read that when you loose someone close to you..that after a while, you need to take time from each day to grieve. You have to go on thru your ordinary life..but you must take time to grieve..or it creeps up on you at the most unexpected times..

2 days ago it was my dad's birthday...he was born on Abraham Lincolns birthday..and would have been 93 if he would have lived. I know several people who are 93, and wonder why my dad had to die at 85...yet..i know he died well......i miss my dad...and as i thought of him...i was glad he and mom were together...

Today is valentines day...the other day...

i found a HUGE box of Valentines of moms...from when she was a little girl..way back to the 1920s..

beautiful old valentines...and loads of them...from her dad, her mom, her friends...these cards were precious to her...

my husband told me to sell them on ebay....uh...no....

my dad used to make us cards for valentines day..he would draw pictures and get us chocolate..and his cards were the best...i have loads of hand made cards from my dad thru the years...

and then there is my mom...all the years of valentines cards that I got from her. she always gave cards to all the grand kids..and whoever else was living in our house at that moment. (we always have people living in our home) and of course she always tucked in a 5 or $10 bill. and for ed and me it was always $20.

i dont really remember last valentines day..did i take her out?? probably..i really dont remember..i always took my mom out...so probably..she was just always there...and even though i knew she was aging...and tired most of the time...and that she had congestive heart failure, it just never occured to me that she would die..i mean i knew it...i just didnt KNOW it..i dont care how prepared you are for the death of a parent ..you are never really prepared at all.

so i dont remember last valentines day..if i made it special...or if it was who we were together that was special..mom and me this past year...we had alot of time together...

this week, i had to get all her papers to the accountant..call my brother (executer) get him to get involved..i was overwhelmed..sad...and then i watched movies..too many of them...and tv shows...and more movies...and finally remembered i need a place..a place for my grief..so that i can get thru the everyday..and have a normal life....while i get thru the grief...

i havent been writing on this...and i need to..............

today, on this valentines day, my hubby gave me a beautiful card ...when you open it, it played a recording  he made..and then a song..so i heard hubbys  voice..and cried....cried because it was so sweet....cried because i knew how precious this card would be one day...to whoever is left when we are gone...cried because life is short...and cried because i miss my mom.........this has been such a hard year....

happy valentines day, mommy..you were my first love

catherine

missing frannie & bob

Since I have been going thru my parents things....I have experienced something that i didnt think i would...i found my dad within the pages of her memories...and although it has been 8 years since he died..when i read everything..i can hear him as though he is right here.

their world was WW2....and what followed...the leave it to beaver years...the nice home..the meal always at 6pm and everything was neat and on schedule..

my generation...well we rebelled from all those schedules and threw them all out...the good with the bad...that was our big mistake..we lost much of what was good and try now to recapture so much of it..

my mother  and father had so many friends...so many parties...so much fun... they were such social people...

well i cant remember the last time i had a dinner party and everyone dressed up..

or a fondue party...

or a waffle party where everyone brings a waffle maker..

it is special going thru all the things...

an honor really...a peak into the hearts and lives of some great people..

i miss frannie....and i miss bob

catherine

Why can't we hold onto a moment?......

It has been an up and down kind of week..

I have been cleaning out my moms things..and the more i find..the more grateful i am that there is so much for me to go thru..

I have found my mom in the pages of her daily diaries...from when she was 12 til when she was 90...there is so much...

i have found her in the notes she saved..and the things she wrote...the smell of her perfume...and the piles of scrapbooks that she saved ...

i have really grown to admire my mom so much more while going thru her things...and at times, i fall under the...why did she have to die..to ...i am so glad she didnt have to live as a blind and deaf woman....this was the direction she was quickly heading to...

in the past few months, my mother lost all the sight in her left eye...and her right eye was at 50%. in the hospital she didnt want to read, or watch tv, or listen to anything..she was tired and she couldnt see and her hearing was failing as well...in fact i didnt even bring her flowers...the first time, because she couldnt see them, or smell them.....as she was sleeping, she was just waiting for the end.

it is a very hard thing for a daughter to accept...

but as i read all her writings...her missing my dad...her joy of life...and her completely full life...her love of being a wife, a mother, a grandmother..... until only this past year when she was getting weaker and weaker....

i slowly am accepting this...

it is so painful...to let go...to say this is final... final...oh i can barely say this word....i find this all so hard..

it is so painful for me too, to let go of the past, those sweet memories of youth...when everything was young...and wonderfully alive......why cant we hold onto time?

catherine

mom's secrets & love letters from old boyfriends

So I found her old love letters in the attic...

and last night I began to read them...

one of the admirers was a man named Vinny...or Vince..

as he would call himself with her..

anyhow..I met this man Many years later...when my mother and father were older...and he would come and visit..and he even became a friend of my dads..

so I had just assumed that this was a no big deal relationship...

but....

i found love letters dating back 3 years....sooo funny...

plus others from another guy at the same time...

seemed my dad was the only one that could catch this girl!

anyhow..a few years ago...Vinny had died and mom had been best friends of his family and was still in touch with his sister...

so of course we drove to racine to go to the funeral.  mom forgot the time of the funeral..so we actually arrived an hour ahead of schedule..so we sat with the family...

well, when the funeral began...everyone came over to give their condolences..and i found myself shaking everyones hand..(they were sure we were with the family) dad was no longer alive at  this time..and i was sure he was really chuckling at this point...(grateful he didnt get roped into this)

anyhow..we were even invited to the family dinner afterward...

i thought at the time that was pretty strange and mom and i had a real laugh about it...

but she never told me about the 200+ love letters she had in the attic from this guy!!

oh the things we dont know about our parents....

catherine

This was my Christmas Decor this past December..the theme was peacock..and before my mom died, I told her all about it..

everytime i found something...i would let her know..

until the day she died..she said to me..

"i think i am going to have to skip christmas this year"

that is when i knew she was going to die...really...

i cried..

so when christmas came around only a few weeks after my mom died..i had to decorate with the peacocks..i had told her all about it..

anyhow..today is the end of january..and we just got around to taking down the peacock tree. the end of the decorations left tonight...and i was so sad...so sad....

a peacock is supposed to mean a celebration of life.....

catherine

Birth & Dying & Foreshadowing Life

Today, I sat with my youngest daughter and talked about Frannie and her death..

 

I told her that the thing that surprised me the most while being with her during the dying process was that it was so similar to birth.

I remember labor..the stages...first there is the time your body is getting ready for labor and this might take weeks, then  you get into mild labor, and active labor, and then you pass the point of no return and go into transition, knowing that the baby will be born any moment. It is the most intense part..and then you give birth not long after.

Being with my mom when she was dying, I was surprised how much dying reminded me of birth...the weeks (and even months) before I watched her sleep alot and things seemed to slow down, she became less and less interested in things around her. Then she switched into active dying, when we could tell that she wouldn't  be  around much longer it became harder and harder for her to breath, harder and harder for her to live.....and then right before death, she switched over to almost a transition like behaviour..where the body is actively shutting down yet there was a battle that she went through in her body..while her spirit fought and her body fought....and not long after that .. she breathed  her last breath...........

I think that God is a great foreshadower, like a great writer..He shows the storyline of life and death all around us...life coming out of death...thru all aspects of nature...

That brings me hope...when you look at death clinicly...it is sad ..but when you look at the foreshadowing of a Great Creator..you have hope...for new life... breathing a last breath...to find new life ......

Catherine

Today was the attic day...

cleaning out moms house and we went into the attic and pulled down all the boxes..

if I didnt have my daughter and her friend there..i am sure i would have spent hours pouring over the books and papers i found there...so many memories..

from my baby toys to a lamp i had when i was a child..to old decorations...moms wedding dress and more....

then i opened one box and found all her old dresses...those from the 40s, 50s and 60s...and i found this old dress...her silk dress that she wore for this photos...when  i was a little girl, i thought she was so beautiful..and this dress was my favorite of all...

been a hard day..i find myself distracted..hard to concentrate on life...

i need to take some time with my memories...it has been 6 weeks....and i miss my mom.

catherine

Stardust & the Innaguration

Today was an incredible day for America..as millions of people have commented on all day today..so many people watched tv...watching the America we once knew..change..and grow.. a great day...a day of hope for the future.

i remembered my mom and dad, who voted in every election since they were young. who volunteered as precinct captains and who loved being active politically. the only year Frannie did not vote, was this past year, November 2008. she was in the hospital, and unable to get out and vote. she had decided that she wanted to vote for Obama, she thought it was time for America. she had seen all the changes throughout the years...and felt it was time to give an African American a chance.
a bold statement for a white woman raised in middle america, in her age bracket.

I thought of how many time, in the last few weeks of her life, that she asked when the innaguration would be...she was loosing track of time..and thought we were ready for january to be here...she was interested in life throughout her life.... she would have loved today.....

My daughter and I watched Tv all day..the innaguration, the parade, the commentators..all of it...and then we were looking forward to the Innagural balls....and it was while I was watching michelle and barack dance to "At Last"at 10 different innagural balls, realizing that it must have be "their" song...that i got choked up...and struggled missing my mom again....

Because watching michelle and barack dance to this song, reminded me of my mother and father dancing to their song "Stardust". At any event, all through my growing up years, they would dance to that song. When my father put on his business conventions, my brother or I would always secretly go to the band director and ask them to play "Stardust". It always represented my mother and father. It was a song that they danced to when they began to date in college...and they loved to dance..and they danced to it throughout their almost 60 years of marriage.

One time, when mom and dad were quite old, we were in Jerusalem at a hotel, and when we walked into the lobby and the piano player was playing "stardust" ...and in the middle of the lobby, this couple of 58 years of marriage began to dance cheek to cheek. It was a magical moment.

At my dad's funeral, we played stardust...and last December, I sang it to mom when she was dying and at her funeral, we played it one last time.

it was at mom's funeral that i really listened to the lyrics and found out what a sad and haunting song it really was...that it really didn't speak of young love...but instead of old love...one that lasted and now was gone...but there would always be the memory of it...

And now the purple dusk of twilight time

Steals across the meadows of my heart

High up in the sky the little stars climb

Always reminding me that we're apart

You wander down the lane and far away

Leaving me a song that will not die

Love is now the stardust of yesterday

The music of the years gone by

Sometimes I wonder why I spend

The lonely night dreaming of a song

The melody haunts my reverie

And I am once again with you

When our love was new

And each kiss an inspiration

But that was long ago

Now my consolation

Is in the stardust of a song

Beside a garden wall

When stars are bright

You are in my arms

The nightingale tells his fairy tale

A paradise where roses bloom

Though I dream in vain

In my heart it will remain

My stardust melody

The memory of love's refrain

catherine

Fran's lesson of true treasure....

Today, I went thru my moms house. This will definately take some time. she hung on to everything...but the thing that stands out the most was that all cards and notes really meant alot to her. She valued people, definately not things. most of her things are broken or in disrepair, but all her cards and notes were kept near her table or what she would use as a desk in her later years. She ate there, did her pills there, did her bills there, wrote letters there. it was always quite a mess when we came over and we always wanted to clean it up.

She didn't like anyone messing with her things..and poohpoohed us. Chasing us away if we lifted or changed anything that she had out. She also kept every little thing that my kids ever made her. everything...and not only did she keep them, she displayed them. it didnt matter that my children are now adults themselves...she still kept these things and displayed them as proudly as she did when 4 year old hands gave them to her.

so many things that we could throw out, should throw out..but how can we?

she also saved every single christmas card ever given to her...and the handmade ones she displayed and used for decorations every year. and she took pictures of how she put them out, so she wouldnt forget anyone..ever..or anything they gave her and that they would see how much she cared about the things they made her.

then i came upon my mommas 50th wedding anniversary cards. 18 years ago. she kept this bag near her desk as well, and when i looked through them, my heart grew sad...almost half of people who gave her cards were now dead. she had lost most of her friends...and it was clear to see why she saved everything and displayed everything..holding on to what was precious to her...her own treasures.. her friends...people who she cared for and who cared for her...

not a life built on things...but on people.

oh mom...so many lessons for me to learn...

catherine

a toast to frannie...to you momma

my daughter and i went to a movie today and it was really nice. but as i was getting up to leave, i saw all the older women with their walkers sitting where just months before my mom and i sat. for no reason and yet for all the reasons in the world, i began to just cry.

later in the evening my daughter and i sat to watch desperate housewives, the 1ooth episode and they made a complete departure from the story line and proceeded to talk about someone who was in all their lives that they barely even thought about and one by one they realized what a huge impact that person had on all of them.

then i came upstairs..and just like desperate housewives..felt like toasting my mother..someone i didnt realize what a huge impact her loss in my life would be. for you mom...thank you...a toast to you...

catherine

the senior living center without my mom

went to the Senior center today...taught the class on making valentines...so many older people who are so used to death they thought i should be "over it" by now.

over it? this is my mother..how is it possible to be over her death? i miss her so much and going to where she lived last was painful... i longed to go back to the house she lived in before she moved there. the place i still feel her warm embrace...but i spent the hour and a half and went to the senior living center..said hi to the staff and felt USED. are they kidding? why would i want to come back as tho there is a place for me there...

i embraced the elderly thing when my mother was there..i was involved...was committed to seeing the people..but now..it has been a month and i think it is not time..not now..not there...but the women who were there for the class were kind and warm..and i was happy and sweet and kind as well..but inside i felt quite sad...and came home with a stomach ache.

i think that is from the hidden feelings...

i miss frannie...i miss my momma

catherine

Going back to the senior living center...

Frannie was a fun person..always had alot of friends and loads of activities. She was a starter...she was even voted woman of the year. She was president of her woman's club and started so many other clubs in her community. She was Active with a large A.

So when she turned 91, her body was not as active as her mind, and as the daughter along with my brother, we had to make the call and get her into a Senior living center. The kind that you have your own apartment, and someone to make sure you take your pills, and a place where everyone eats.

She hated it. She was mad and angry..but at 108lbs and 5ft 8" she had to be cared for. And she would not allow anyone to live with her, and she would not live with either of us. She was stubborn and angry. Angrier than I ever saw her, angrier than she was when I was 13 and rebellous, but in her heart she knew she had to move. We didn't sell her house. We told her she could go home if she had someone live with her. She refused. So she began to stay in a senior living center. And I began to volunteer. All the time. I was there almost daily..as much as I possibly could. I knew everyone. I decided to embrace this season and help her cope, as well as us having some quality time together.

She left for the hospital in the end of October 2008, and didnt go back to her newly decorated room.

The Senior Center called me today, they want me to come over tomorrow, help teach a class.

(I taught alot of classes there) They said they missed me, and that the residents missed me.

I dont want to go....but I need to cross this bridge. is it too soon?

Catherine

Introducing Frances Louise Black Green

This is Frances, but her friends called her Fran, and her best friends called her Frannie. I called her Mommy, and when I got older, I called her momma, and my children called her Noni. (she wanted Nana, but my first daughter and first grandchild, just couldn't say it right, so Noni stuck)

My brother would call her Mother and sometime with that strong tone, but that is what brothers do. Oh, and Dad would call her FRANNIE with a strong tone sometimes too, I guess it is a guy thing.

Her name was Frances Louise Black. Her older sister was Viriginia Black and when she married, she married a man named George Icke. Ginnie went from Black to Icke. When one of their daughters married, She married a Brown, so it went Black-Icke-Brown. When my mother got married, she married a Green. So Frannie Black became a Green.

Later, when my Aunt died, my Uncle remarried and married a woman named White. He turned her Icke as well.

This is a completely true story and has absolutely nothing to do with this blog..but thought it was well worth documenting!

My mother was a strong woman. She was raised by a strong woman who married later in life and lost her husband when my mother was only 11 years old. Grace, my mothers mom, took over her husbands business, not a common thing to do in 1928. Her husband was an insurance man, and while the depression was hitting so many, Grace sold insurance, and landed some big accounts. This sent my mother through Northwestern University earning a nice teaching degree and having a positive attitude towards everything in life. That positivity was the very thing, that kept her alive until she was 91+ with her family at her side.

But this blog is also going to be about all the stuff that seems to happen to us who are left..I guess I just need a place to write...

so for wonderful moms..and lessons about to be learned...

catherine