meeting with her girlfriend...

Today, I went out with one of my mom's friends. (this photo is of her and the gal i went out with)  She wrote me a sweet note, so I wanted to give her some photos of mom and her and all her groups..and talk with her.

But, yesterday, i had gone with my daughter to my moms fav restaurant. i am trying to go to all those places with my daughter..since each place holds so many memories.. i know that being with my daughter will help this ...and i knew we would talk..

so we did...alot...and by last evening, i was begining to get overwhelmed...maybe i was anticipating todays meeting..maybe i was just weary ...grief is hard to carry...

So this afternoon, ..mom's friend M and I  met for lunch...and we went to bakers square..it was free pie afternoon and that meant that all the senoirs came out...and it was ash wednesday...which in some churches is the rememberance of "Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." 

i was early..and sat with my box of photos and an old scrapbook to give to my moms friend...and here were all these lovely older people with walkers and ashes on their heads..each of them smiled at me and many of them talked with me ( i have one of those faces i guess)  and soon my heart started to grow heavy with grief...and in came my moms friend.. i immediately got up and hugged her...

M and I  talked for hours...she talked about her family...and her life...she had been feeling quite alone..she lost her hubby, her dog, my mom (one of her closest friends) and another one of her friends...

so we sat and looked at photos...and hugged and cried...

then i had to go to the bathroom... (way too much coffee!!)...and when i got in there..i remembered the last time i had been there, it was only months ago,  i was helping my mom get into the bathroom..so grateful to be able to help her....she with her independence..and me with my wanting to help her anyway i could...it was only months ago...and today i was sitting with her friend remembering a woman i just saw a few months ago.....

and i missed her..i missed my mom so much ..right in the middle of bakers square bathroom..missing caring for her...hearing her voice...hugging her..laughing with her...

i wish there was some kind of handbook to follow to get us through all this...it is so hard...sometimes..it feels like..ok..i can do this...life goes on...and other times..i just crumble under the sheer weight of loosing my mother....

it was ash wednesday today...."Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

i don't really like celebrating the remembrance of us being dust...

catherine

Its Valentines Day............

I have read that when you loose someone close to you..that after a while, you need to take time from each day to grieve. You have to go on thru your ordinary life..but you must take time to grieve..or it creeps up on you at the most unexpected times..

2 days ago it was my dad's birthday...he was born on Abraham Lincolns birthday..and would have been 93 if he would have lived. I know several people who are 93, and wonder why my dad had to die at 85...yet..i know he died well......i miss my dad...and as i thought of him...i was glad he and mom were together...

Today is valentines day...the other day...

i found a HUGE box of Valentines of moms...from when she was a little girl..way back to the 1920s..

beautiful old valentines...and loads of them...from her dad, her mom, her friends...these cards were precious to her...

my husband told me to sell them on ebay....uh...no....

my dad used to make us cards for valentines day..he would draw pictures and get us chocolate..and his cards were the best...i have loads of hand made cards from my dad thru the years...

and then there is my mom...all the years of valentines cards that I got from her. she always gave cards to all the grand kids..and whoever else was living in our house at that moment. (we always have people living in our home) and of course she always tucked in a 5 or $10 bill. and for ed and me it was always $20.

i dont really remember last valentines day..did i take her out?? probably..i really dont remember..i always took my mom out...so probably..she was just always there...and even though i knew she was aging...and tired most of the time...and that she had congestive heart failure, it just never occured to me that she would die..i mean i knew it...i just didnt KNOW it..i dont care how prepared you are for the death of a parent ..you are never really prepared at all.

so i dont remember last valentines day..if i made it special...or if it was who we were together that was special..mom and me this past year...we had alot of time together...

this week, i had to get all her papers to the accountant..call my brother (executer) get him to get involved..i was overwhelmed..sad...and then i watched movies..too many of them...and tv shows...and more movies...and finally remembered i need a place..a place for my grief..so that i can get thru the everyday..and have a normal life....while i get thru the grief...

i havent been writing on this...and i need to..............

today, on this valentines day, my hubby gave me a beautiful card ...when you open it, it played a recording  he made..and then a song..so i heard hubbys  voice..and cried....cried because it was so sweet....cried because i knew how precious this card would be one day...to whoever is left when we are gone...cried because life is short...and cried because i miss my mom.........this has been such a hard year....

happy valentines day, mommy..you were my first love

catherine

missing frannie & bob

Since I have been going thru my parents things....I have experienced something that i didnt think i would...i found my dad within the pages of her memories...and although it has been 8 years since he died..when i read everything..i can hear him as though he is right here.

their world was WW2....and what followed...the leave it to beaver years...the nice home..the meal always at 6pm and everything was neat and on schedule..

my generation...well we rebelled from all those schedules and threw them all out...the good with the bad...that was our big mistake..we lost much of what was good and try now to recapture so much of it..

my mother  and father had so many friends...so many parties...so much fun... they were such social people...

well i cant remember the last time i had a dinner party and everyone dressed up..

or a fondue party...

or a waffle party where everyone brings a waffle maker..

it is special going thru all the things...

an honor really...a peak into the hearts and lives of some great people..

i miss frannie....and i miss bob

catherine

Why can't we hold onto a moment?......

It has been an up and down kind of week..

I have been cleaning out my moms things..and the more i find..the more grateful i am that there is so much for me to go thru..

I have found my mom in the pages of her daily diaries...from when she was 12 til when she was 90...there is so much...

i have found her in the notes she saved..and the things she wrote...the smell of her perfume...and the piles of scrapbooks that she saved ...

i have really grown to admire my mom so much more while going thru her things...and at times, i fall under the...why did she have to die..to ...i am so glad she didnt have to live as a blind and deaf woman....this was the direction she was quickly heading to...

in the past few months, my mother lost all the sight in her left eye...and her right eye was at 50%. in the hospital she didnt want to read, or watch tv, or listen to anything..she was tired and she couldnt see and her hearing was failing as well...in fact i didnt even bring her flowers...the first time, because she couldnt see them, or smell them.....as she was sleeping, she was just waiting for the end.

it is a very hard thing for a daughter to accept...

but as i read all her writings...her missing my dad...her joy of life...and her completely full life...her love of being a wife, a mother, a grandmother..... until only this past year when she was getting weaker and weaker....

i slowly am accepting this...

it is so painful...to let go...to say this is final... final...oh i can barely say this word....i find this all so hard..

it is so painful for me too, to let go of the past, those sweet memories of youth...when everything was young...and wonderfully alive......why cant we hold onto time?

catherine

mom's secrets & love letters from old boyfriends

So I found her old love letters in the attic...

and last night I began to read them...

one of the admirers was a man named Vinny...or Vince..

as he would call himself with her..

anyhow..I met this man Many years later...when my mother and father were older...and he would come and visit..and he even became a friend of my dads..

so I had just assumed that this was a no big deal relationship...

but....

i found love letters dating back 3 years....sooo funny...

plus others from another guy at the same time...

seemed my dad was the only one that could catch this girl!

anyhow..a few years ago...Vinny had died and mom had been best friends of his family and was still in touch with his sister...

so of course we drove to racine to go to the funeral.  mom forgot the time of the funeral..so we actually arrived an hour ahead of schedule..so we sat with the family...

well, when the funeral began...everyone came over to give their condolences..and i found myself shaking everyones hand..(they were sure we were with the family) dad was no longer alive at  this time..and i was sure he was really chuckling at this point...(grateful he didnt get roped into this)

anyhow..we were even invited to the family dinner afterward...

i thought at the time that was pretty strange and mom and i had a real laugh about it...

but she never told me about the 200+ love letters she had in the attic from this guy!!

oh the things we dont know about our parents....

catherine

This was my Christmas Decor this past December..the theme was peacock..and before my mom died, I told her all about it..

everytime i found something...i would let her know..

until the day she died..she said to me..

"i think i am going to have to skip christmas this year"

that is when i knew she was going to die...really...

i cried..

so when christmas came around only a few weeks after my mom died..i had to decorate with the peacocks..i had told her all about it..

anyhow..today is the end of january..and we just got around to taking down the peacock tree. the end of the decorations left tonight...and i was so sad...so sad....

a peacock is supposed to mean a celebration of life.....

catherine

Birth & Dying & Foreshadowing Life

Today, I sat with my youngest daughter and talked about Frannie and her death..

 

I told her that the thing that surprised me the most while being with her during the dying process was that it was so similar to birth.

I remember labor..the stages...first there is the time your body is getting ready for labor and this might take weeks, then  you get into mild labor, and active labor, and then you pass the point of no return and go into transition, knowing that the baby will be born any moment. It is the most intense part..and then you give birth not long after.

Being with my mom when she was dying, I was surprised how much dying reminded me of birth...the weeks (and even months) before I watched her sleep alot and things seemed to slow down, she became less and less interested in things around her. Then she switched into active dying, when we could tell that she wouldn't  be  around much longer it became harder and harder for her to breath, harder and harder for her to live.....and then right before death, she switched over to almost a transition like behaviour..where the body is actively shutting down yet there was a battle that she went through in her body..while her spirit fought and her body fought....and not long after that .. she breathed  her last breath...........

I think that God is a great foreshadower, like a great writer..He shows the storyline of life and death all around us...life coming out of death...thru all aspects of nature...

That brings me hope...when you look at death clinicly...it is sad ..but when you look at the foreshadowing of a Great Creator..you have hope...for new life... breathing a last breath...to find new life ......

Catherine