Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Today was an incredible day for America..as millions of people have commented on all day today..so many people watched tv...watching the America we once knew..change..and grow.. a great day...a day of hope for the future.
i remembered my mom and dad, who voted in every election since they were young. who volunteered as precinct captains and who loved being active politically. the only year Frannie did not vote, was this past year, November 2008. she was in the hospital, and unable to get out and vote. she had decided that she wanted to vote for Obama, she thought it was time for America. she had seen all the changes throughout the years...and felt it was time to give an African American a chance.
a bold statement for a white woman raised in middle america, in her age bracket.
I thought of how many time, in the last few weeks of her life, that she asked when the innaguration would be...she was loosing track of time..and thought we were ready for january to be here...she was interested in life throughout her life.... she would have loved today.....
My daughter and I watched Tv all day..the innaguration, the parade, the commentators..all of it...and then we were looking forward to the Innagural balls....and it was while I was watching michelle and barack dance to "At Last"at 10 different innagural balls, realizing that it must have be "their" song...that i got choked up...and struggled missing my mom again....
Because watching michelle and barack dance to this song, reminded me of my mother and father dancing to their song "Stardust". At any event, all through my growing up years, they would dance to that song. When my father put on his business conventions, my brother or I would always secretly go to the band director and ask them to play "Stardust". It always represented my mother and father. It was a song that they danced to when they began to date in college...and they loved to dance..and they danced to it throughout their almost 60 years of marriage.
One time, when mom and dad were quite old, we were in Jerusalem at a hotel, and when we walked into the lobby and the piano player was playing "stardust" ...and in the middle of the lobby, this couple of 58 years of marriage began to dance cheek to cheek. It was a magical moment.
At my dad's funeral, we played stardust...and last December, I sang it to mom when she was dying and at her funeral, we played it one last time.
it was at mom's funeral that i really listened to the lyrics and found out what a sad and haunting song it really was...that it really didn't speak of young love...but instead of old love...one that lasted and now was gone...but there would always be the memory of it...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Today, I went thru my moms house. This will definately take some time. she hung on to everything...but the thing that stands out the most was that all cards and notes really meant alot to her. She valued people, definately not things. most of her things are broken or in disrepair, but all her cards and notes were kept near her table or what she would use as a desk in her later years. She ate there, did her pills there, did her bills there, wrote letters there. it was always quite a mess when we came over and we always wanted to clean it up.
She didn't like anyone messing with her things..and poohpoohed us. Chasing us away if we lifted or changed anything that she had out. She also kept every little thing that my kids ever made her. everything...and not only did she keep them, she displayed them. it didnt matter that my children are now adults themselves...she still kept these things and displayed them as proudly as she did when 4 year old hands gave them to her.
so many things that we could throw out, should throw out..but how can we?
she also saved every single christmas card ever given to her...and the handmade ones she displayed and used for decorations every year. and she took pictures of how she put them out, so she wouldnt forget anyone..ever..or anything they gave her and that they would see how much she cared about the things they made her.
then i came upon my mommas 50th wedding anniversary cards. 18 years ago. she kept this bag near her desk as well, and when i looked through them, my heart grew sad...almost half of people who gave her cards were now dead. she had lost most of her friends...and it was clear to see why she saved everything and displayed everything..holding on to what was precious to her...her own treasures.. her friends...people who she cared for and who cared for her...
not a life built on things...but on people.
oh mom...so many lessons for me to learn...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
my daughter and i went to a movie today and it was really nice. but as i was getting up to leave, i saw all the older women with their walkers sitting where just months before my mom and i sat. for no reason and yet for all the reasons in the world, i began to just cry.
later in the evening my daughter and i sat to watch desperate housewives, the 1ooth episode and they made a complete departure from the story line and proceeded to talk about someone who was in all their lives that they barely even thought about and one by one they realized what a huge impact that person had on all of them.
then i came upstairs..and just like desperate housewives..felt like toasting my mother..someone i didnt realize what a huge impact her loss in my life would be. for you mom...thank you...a toast to you...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
went to the Senior center today...taught the class on making valentines...so many older people who are so used to death they thought i should be "over it" by now.
over it? this is my mother..how is it possible to be over her death? i miss her so much and going to where she lived last was painful... i longed to go back to the house she lived in before she moved there. the place i still feel her warm embrace...but i spent the hour and a half and went to the senior living center..said hi to the staff and felt USED. are they kidding? why would i want to come back as tho there is a place for me there...
i embraced the elderly thing when my mother was there..i was involved...was committed to seeing the people..but now..it has been a month and i think it is not time..not now..not there...but the women who were there for the class were kind and warm..and i was happy and sweet and kind as well..but inside i felt quite sad...and came home with a stomach ache.
i think that is from the hidden feelings...
i miss frannie...i miss my momma