October already...and 2 months away from 1 year

Dear Blog,
I have avoided you............
not because I don't have anything to say...but because I simply have not taken the time to say it...sometimes it was too much...just too much emotion...
I was so going to post all the time...and pour out my heart on what it was like to loose a parent..

but sometimes i felt all the feelings were repetitive...

then in the past few months...
BIG changes have occurred
we had an estate sale for my mothers home,
then we moved everything out of it......and also packed up our own home and MOVED to my mom's old home......
the economy has taken it's toll on my hubby's manufacturing business...and life has been tough...

so we decided to sell the HUGE house...5+ bedrooms..and inherit my mothers and live in it...simply ....cheaply and fix it up as we go along..

it is a good plan...

but...
how do you get around all the feelings of loss?
Selling our house is necessary...i agree..
but packing it all up after 20 years of living there...full of memories...was quite painful.
we did it however..
and we moved into mom's on the 9th of september. we have been here a month..and have yet to fix anything...(and EVERYTHING needs fixing) because we are spending all our time and money in our old home...getting it ready for the market..

yes, i know it is NOT the time of year to sell ...but then i am hoping....that just one right buyer comes along...and sees our beautiful home...and wants it..

in the meantime, at our old home..we have put in new floors, fixed bathrooms, outside, the kitchen...everything..we really LIVED in our home..and so everything needed painting and fixing.

and now we are at mom's. without her.
we have inherited this house now..it is ours.
but until i can take down some wallpaper and move some walls it will still be hers...

now there is a comfort in this...

but also a sadness..
i am grateful for the gift she gave us...

from a different era..my parents didnt spend money..they lived in the same home for 60 years...
and were careful with every penny....
in the end..they were well taken care of and my brother and i were as well.
he got the money.
i got the house..

good for both of us...

as we enter into winter..i just want spring to begin..
my old house sold..my new childhood home to be fixed up...
walls to be moved..wallpaper taken off.... a new kitchen a new bathroom..you name it...
i want new...something new..
i want to BUILD on the foundation that my parents have given me..but i dont want to LIVE in all the memories ALL the time...

but NOW...i am in the time where i have to embrace the grief that is in front of me and make it my friend...so that i can move on....so that the sweet embrace of good memories and happy lives that mom and dads house gives me...will turn into the foundation of my hubby and my life..


the other day..i walked into the living room..with my mothers dinning room table..
for a split second i was back years..at her dinner parties..full of good food and happy people...

for a moment i cried...longing for the day to make new memories as i close out these chapters of the past.

the photo is of mom and dad in the room my husband and i now sleep in.

waiting already for the spring to come.....
catherine

Clearing out the house....

It has been 7+months and I have been working for these past few months getting things done around my mom's home...and trying to clean up and clear out...

But now it is time...

I am having an estate sale in the next few weeks...and we have gone thru almost all of it...

my darling middle daughter is here with me...

at the same time..my hubby has had to take a huge cut in pay because of the economy...and after the past few years of loads of financial struggles we have made the decision to sell our house and move into my moms...we need financial freedom...it will change our lives and we need it...i dont see any other way....

but.........i have such mixed emotions...

on one hand..i am so blessed to have a mom and dad that took such good care of their finances that we can inherit this house...what a blessing..(that was their depression mind set)

and as i go thru all their paperwork, i see how it was their dream...their future..their hope...

i run across all the paperwork that my dad so carefully saved of every little thing he did in the house...

and then i look at my husband and i know that the house we are in now is his dream...and that he is truly broken hearted and keeps hoping for a last minute miracle. (but now we are in the modern day depression)

and the work...

there is so much work...

we have a Huge house..and i didnt hesitate to fill it.

and i am trying so hard to be happy and cheery and full of life and every now and then i just get so sad at all the loss in the past few years....

but i know how life is...i know that ecclesiastes is true ...that there is a time for everything...and in time..it will all work out ok....

and i have tender memories at my parents home...good memories...happy memories...

so it is a peaceful place for me....

BUT the work!

finishing the sale...

finishing the house we are in now...

packing...storing...going thru stuff...

everything is simply overwhelming..

"hot dog" wish i had a million dollars...(from Its a wonderful life!)

ah.......

cleaning out the old memories..building on a strong foundation...

can i make new memories in this house of theirs?

i miss y0u mommy..

thank you...........................................

catherine

The photo on the top is mom...the photo on the bottom looks like her...and my daughter who is selling photos now...found this one.....thought i would ad this on this post.

It has been 4 weeks...since i have written.

It is summer...this is the time of SO many memories..last year..was the full year of doing everything with mom during the summer..

this summer..i am much more lost..while still trying to get things done..

still trying to work...

still going thru stuff in my home..and in my parents home...still going thru stuff...

i met with her girlfriends...3 different ones..

we had a nice time...shared photos..

i talked with some of her groups...friends of the library...it was nice as well.........

i cried one day sooo much...

other days..i just kept on....numb and then not numb....

and my brother finally came....and we worked on what we wanted and where we were at..

it was a nice time...

more final for him...

more hopeful actually for me...

now hubby and i are going to work on selling our home...

move into moms...

get out of debt...

still saying goodbye..

i think i believe in rubber maid tubs...tubs to hold those things i cant yet throw out..but am sure i should...

so hard.......

miss you mommmy.....so much......................

catherine

a year ago........

Mom & my brother & his wife 2 years ago

It was a year ago....

i know i felt real sad today..

no apparent reason..the house was full...people were in and out...my children were on the phone...

but i felt so sad..really blue..

wow..am i depressed?

then i thought...and thought..

and cried...

and realized..

it was a year ago..this weekend....

i had just gotten home from overseas...and just felt in my gut i needed to get home...

so i got back earlier than i planned and sure enough..my mom had been in an accident...and she was injured...and wasn't doing well..she felt stupid...felt at a loss..couldnt see as well..and was ...welll...scared....so i called my brother...and he came out...and we took her to a independant living home. and we left her there. well we hardly "left" her...we stayed with her 24/7 for quite a few weeks, but you get the message..we put her in the independent living facility and mom WAS NOT HAPPY.. she used to say..i am living in hell...

she was mad..

not happy that she was not independent...but she was close to death and her heart was not working..her food intake was horrible..she was NOT taking care of herself...so we did it..

my brother left..and i felt HORRIBLE ..i cried day and night and brought out each of my kids to see her ...to stay with her..to have all of us hang around her...went to every meal...volunteered...you name it...

and you know what?? she began to accept it..slowly and stubbornly...

and finally i said..mom..do you want to go home? i can carpet the house, get someone in to cook for you...but you can go back..you are much better now..and she said...no..i think this is good for me...

at the end she accepted it..

but it was so so hard.

and my brother left. 

and didnt come back to visit for 6 months (um...thanks)

the photo is from her 90th birthday party..that was 2 years ago.

she began to give up after that..she wanted to be with daddy.

i know last year we hurt her a year ago....she was hurt and..mad...

but i know it was the nicest year we had...we had almost every day together...

moments we wouldnt have had...if she had gotten in that car accident and didnt survive.

it was so hard a year ago...but i am so grateful for that year...

mom...i miss you so much

catherine

Happy Mothers Day, Mommy

My first mothers day without you...

all day I thought of you..and missed you........

a few days later...today, I cried..

guess i was holding it in...

missing you mom...

thank you again for being such a good woman.. (can i say it enough?)

my brother is being difficult..

wont get out here to work on the estate..and things feel like they are in limbo...

i dont like that...but what else is new..you know your son...so why exactly did you make him executor??

anyhow...

looking at the springtime...feeling sad and bittersweet..

sure i will feel happy again...

but it feels along way off

catherine

last summer's photo of mom and my son jules..

I have been avoiding this blog.

I admit it.

Not that I haven't thought of it..oh yes, I have...but I have actively avoided it....writing blogs in my head, but not on paper.

I am not sure why..this is supposed to be my place..to emote..to let out those emotions that are like the huge elephant in the room...but no one wants to talk about.

but..i guess i didn't want to talk about it either.

i want to move on...this has been so hard...and i want to move on..i don't want to feel the pain of deep loss.

but how do you move on from your parents....this is impossible....how do you do it...everywhere you look..there are pieces of them...they are not just somebody they are everthing...they are afterall...parents...the stability...the cheerleaders of our lives...at least my parents were...

my biggest fans...

the loss is so deep...it aches..i remember loss before this..it would be the perverbial "sock in the stomach" kind of feeling..but this is much deeper...the pain goes all the way to my toes...there is no end to it..no resolution..it is final..and it hurts...and i miss everything about my parents.

i lived near them, which means i never really moved away..well...that meant that i was around..all the time...so i tried to move away in my life...with other friends..other things to do...

and i know they understood that..they were the same..they were very active people, parents who LIVED life. they didnt mind that we had our own life..in fact, I would say they encouraged it.

but now..i think..why didn't i do this? and why didn't i do that? the regret is really painful.

now i know i did alot..but somehow..when you loose someone you love so much..you wonder if you really did enough.........i know ..this is all part of loss...but it is a very real part...the guilt..the looking back...the wishing i did this and that.

last week, for instance, i went to see my brother..with my hubby. we celebrated my nephews 16th birthday. i had never been to their home. it is 6 hours away..and well, it just was that my brother always drove out here. last year, mom and i were going to go see him but my hubby got sick and i couldnt go. 

my daughter drove her to see my brother before..but not me...why? but i was the one that took her to every doctor appointment, or to her hair, or out to eat all the time..but why not go see my  brother...the things i wish i had done...so many little moments we miss...when we are "busy"with so many other things...........

anyhow..it was good with my brother..i felt i needed to reestablish our relationship...as brother and sister..the only ones left. this hadnt happened yet..and it was important.

he is coming out next week..the dreaded week, when we go thru the stuff..when he takes what he wants and i take what i want...

and the house emptys out...and we say goodbye again.

it is mothers day next week....last year we went to waa muu. my mothers alma matta...and we watched a show and she didnt feel real well. then we went out to eat..and she was tired. 

i was out of town for mothers day last year...with my kids overseas...my son was with her for mothers day..so we celebrated a year ago today...we toasted..and hugged and got her flowers...

i miss my mom so much...................

it doesnt really seem to get any better...

cathi

4 months later........

Tomorrow it will be 4months since my mom died.

In some ways, I am ok...going thru her stuff...sorting things out..putting things away.

Sometimes, I feel like I am ignoring it..trying to get going on other things...but at other moments...I am keenly aware of loosing my mother.

The end of her life was a lonely time for her. She missed my dad ...and she missed my daughters who had all moved away. She had me, but I think that she felt that I had my hubby. Sometimes I dont think she felt as needed. 

Sometimes I think she just felt like she was done and had accomplished all she was supposed to.

Sometimes I think she was just tired and ready to be with my dad.

Going thru her things, there are so many times that I wish I let her know more how much she meant to me.....yet, I know I did, and I know she knew......but there are so many regrets when it comes to death.. I fight them all the time...she was such a part of my life...that I know i took so much for granted....I guess the real reason behind all the regret is that I just miss her so much....

This week was a hard one for my husband. He had to go thru all sorts of tests, found a melanoma on his back, had it removed, had heart tests, blood tests...all of that.

He is fine...thankfully...but it did make me think...was I loving him enough especially now, while I am in this time period. I am sure I have totatlly taken him for granted too...

I guess that is all apart of life...expecting those we love to always be there..to always understand....but we need to remember...that they will not always be there..

I went out with my uncle and aunt last week. my dads brother. it was really special. They had been married 25 years...they were married late in life and my uncle is turning 80 this year. my dad died when he was 85...so I know my uncle is counting his days...

We talked about and  remembered all the family reunions....all the family moments...those days are  long gone....many of those relatives are gone now...there were tears while we were together...

my uncle said..it is up to you now...to make your family strong....to create your own family memories...

I miss my mom...and I miss all those moments that I took for granted...i just miss having a mommy

catherine