Old Sympathy letters...and hidden emotions

The last few days I have been very out of touch with my feelings..just kind of walking in a haze trying to get things done and not really connecting to my heart.

There are good reasons for it..the show must go on..and so on..I have work to do..pressures with bills etc...but these months i wanted to keep close to these emotions  and not be like this...and i found myself drawing, painting, sewing, anything just to get away from emotions.

It is easier that way..but not very productive.

So i began to list on ebay..my other life...and found a large grouping of old letters. I have a lot of random things i need to get  out of my home and this is one of them....so i began to read them..and they were all sympathy notes...and letters from 1920...but the strange thing..maybe because i am grieving, maybe because this is a different time..i really enjoyed reading them..i wanted to keep the grouping...just because the writing was so beautiful....

and then i realized...mmmmm...not connecting with my heart. so i listened to music and i cried.

also actually...and it was good.

then i called one of my mom's friends daughters...she was a gal who lost her mom only weeks before i lost mine. i figured we should be at the same place. 

we were...and i was relieved....do you feel kind of ditzy i said??spacey??yes, she said...

and so on....we found out that in the grieving process...we could really relate....

we are having lunch next week..

catherine

Happy Birthday Frannie.....

March 13th would have been my mom's 92nd birthday. This photo is from her 90th birthday when we threw a large birthday party for her.

I decorated the basement of her church and she invited everyone she knew. She was so excited and she looked forward to it for months. In fact she even had the party in May instead of March because she wanted certain people to be there.

She had a lot of people show up, and those that didn't show up, she got cards from..I mean she got LOTS and LOTS of cards!  

My youngest daughter did a video of her life..it was wonderful...and she loved it...and she watched it over and over again...and so did all her friends..

I told her that I didn't want  her to never know all the people who loved her..I didn't want her funeral to be the place that everyone said nice things...and I didn't want the funeral to be where the video is without her ever knowing...

so it was all said...there were letters...and loads of love and at the end of the day she was grateful at her  wonderful life.. and her wonderful friends...

months after that..she said she was ready...ready to see my dad...ready to be with the Lord...i told her..well..God obviously wasn't ready yet..and she had to hang in there and find the rest of the things that she was supposed to do....and she did...for another year and 9 months...since her 90th celebration...she continued to love...to write notes...to be a friend to everyone..and we got to have wonderful priceless moments together....

After the party...we froze the cake top from her party...over and over again..she wanted me to use it..to celebrate something with it...we forgot to use it for her birthday..(her 91st) and we forgot to use it for her anniversary...and she kept reminding me...i thought it was probably pretty icky by almost 2 years later in moms freezer...so i kind of forgot about it...(mom couldn't taste anyway at the end..so she thought it would be just fine!)

When she died and we did her funeral...we had the video there..instead of looking at her body..everyone looked at the video and sat in the chairs and celebrated her life...

we all just celebrated mom...any notes i got...and i got quite a few..there were no surprises..all the people who talked...all the people who wrote..were the same that said all the loving things to her....her funeral was just an aftermath...she got to enjoy her own eulogy....

on her birthday..a good friend of my mother's daughter took me to lunch...we talked and celebrated our mothers...we missed them..and we reminisced....and we looked at pictures...and there were some touching moments...

my middle daughter drove in with her hubby and was with me for the birthday...

we got the cake out of the freezer.. turned off the lights and lit a candle...and prayed..thanking God for our wonderful Noni....(my hubby even sang)

then we ate the cake...

it wasn't bad..she was right....

but she still wouldn't have been able to taste it..and she was a diabetic..

so i guess i don't feel too bad  that she didnt have it.......but i can tell she would have said..

"well it's about time you ate it!"

catherine

another transition..

My mother was a grandmother and i mean a GRANDMOTHER..you know the type..the ones that made everything about the grandkids..everything....

and i lived close by..which means that she was in their lives all the time..

from the minute they were born..

(literally as in the case of my youngest) and at every function possible..

even in my moms 89th year, she headed out to see my middle daughter married, would not miss it for the world..( and she was married in Italy!)

she truly excelled at being a grandmother...

she really was our biggest fan and gave unconditional love..

so when she lay dying last december, I was fortunate to have one of my daughters with me...the other two live overseas..and i was able to put them on the phone...and she was able to talk with them before she died..

we talked about how they were fine...how she did such a good job...

how she didnt have to worry about them....

she heard me...and a tear fell down her cheek...

so when she died, all my children came back...two flew in from out of the country....

and then, over the weeks after..one by one they went home...

but my eldest  was able to stay for awhile..she has been here since my mom died...since her beloved "noni" died...the timing amazingly enough was perfect and she was in a good place finishing up her degree and had a few months that she could give  to me...helping me clean out the house..go thru the papers..haul out things..go to lawyers.. accountants...and all of that....we went to movies...shopped, hung out and cried...we had long late night talks...and it was quite special...

and today..almost 3 months have gone by...and it was time for her to fly to her home, to go on with HER life. I was so so fortunate to have been able to have that much time with her...amazing...

so i took her to the airport...and suddenly i felt as though that crutch that i didnt even know i was using...was taken away...for a few moments, maybe even more than a few..inside,  i was really shook...

we of course ...hugged...we of course.. cried...but i could tell  and so could she),  it is time....

i know noni would want it that way... she would want her grandchildren's lives to be rich and full....she would be the cheerleader in the front telling all her friends about all my kids latest accomplishments...

noni, thank you for loving my kids so much...for being there for everything...for every phone call..for everytime you babysat...everytime you picked them up from school, or girl scouts, for all the school plays we went to..or band concerts...for all the birthday parties..for all the cards ..i cant even begin to list all the things you did..for you were such a foundation for them..but most of all..thank you, for all the unconditional love and support and for teaching my children what love looks like...

catherine