meeting with her girlfriend...

Today, I went out with one of my mom's friends. (this photo is of her and the gal i went out with)  She wrote me a sweet note, so I wanted to give her some photos of mom and her and all her groups..and talk with her.

But, yesterday, i had gone with my daughter to my moms fav restaurant. i am trying to go to all those places with my daughter..since each place holds so many memories.. i know that being with my daughter will help this ...and i knew we would talk..

so we did...alot...and by last evening, i was begining to get overwhelmed...maybe i was anticipating todays meeting..maybe i was just weary ...grief is hard to carry...

So this afternoon, ..mom's friend M and I  met for lunch...and we went to bakers square..it was free pie afternoon and that meant that all the senoirs came out...and it was ash wednesday...which in some churches is the rememberance of "Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." 

i was early..and sat with my box of photos and an old scrapbook to give to my moms friend...and here were all these lovely older people with walkers and ashes on their heads..each of them smiled at me and many of them talked with me ( i have one of those faces i guess)  and soon my heart started to grow heavy with grief...and in came my moms friend.. i immediately got up and hugged her...

M and I  talked for hours...she talked about her family...and her life...she had been feeling quite alone..she lost her hubby, her dog, my mom (one of her closest friends) and another one of her friends...

so we sat and looked at photos...and hugged and cried...

then i had to go to the bathroom... (way too much coffee!!)...and when i got in there..i remembered the last time i had been there, it was only months ago,  i was helping my mom get into the bathroom..so grateful to be able to help her....she with her independence..and me with my wanting to help her anyway i could...it was only months ago...and today i was sitting with her friend remembering a woman i just saw a few months ago.....

and i missed her..i missed my mom so much ..right in the middle of bakers square bathroom..missing caring for her...hearing her voice...hugging her..laughing with her...

i wish there was some kind of handbook to follow to get us through all this...it is so hard...sometimes..it feels like..ok..i can do this...life goes on...and other times..i just crumble under the sheer weight of loosing my mother....

it was ash wednesday today...."Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

i don't really like celebrating the remembrance of us being dust...

catherine

Its Valentines Day............

I have read that when you loose someone close to you..that after a while, you need to take time from each day to grieve. You have to go on thru your ordinary life..but you must take time to grieve..or it creeps up on you at the most unexpected times..

2 days ago it was my dad's birthday...he was born on Abraham Lincolns birthday..and would have been 93 if he would have lived. I know several people who are 93, and wonder why my dad had to die at 85...yet..i know he died well......i miss my dad...and as i thought of him...i was glad he and mom were together...

Today is valentines day...the other day...

i found a HUGE box of Valentines of moms...from when she was a little girl..way back to the 1920s..

beautiful old valentines...and loads of them...from her dad, her mom, her friends...these cards were precious to her...

my husband told me to sell them on ebay....uh...no....

my dad used to make us cards for valentines day..he would draw pictures and get us chocolate..and his cards were the best...i have loads of hand made cards from my dad thru the years...

and then there is my mom...all the years of valentines cards that I got from her. she always gave cards to all the grand kids..and whoever else was living in our house at that moment. (we always have people living in our home) and of course she always tucked in a 5 or $10 bill. and for ed and me it was always $20.

i dont really remember last valentines day..did i take her out?? probably..i really dont remember..i always took my mom out...so probably..she was just always there...and even though i knew she was aging...and tired most of the time...and that she had congestive heart failure, it just never occured to me that she would die..i mean i knew it...i just didnt KNOW it..i dont care how prepared you are for the death of a parent ..you are never really prepared at all.

so i dont remember last valentines day..if i made it special...or if it was who we were together that was special..mom and me this past year...we had alot of time together...

this week, i had to get all her papers to the accountant..call my brother (executer) get him to get involved..i was overwhelmed..sad...and then i watched movies..too many of them...and tv shows...and more movies...and finally remembered i need a place..a place for my grief..so that i can get thru the everyday..and have a normal life....while i get thru the grief...

i havent been writing on this...and i need to..............

today, on this valentines day, my hubby gave me a beautiful card ...when you open it, it played a recording  he made..and then a song..so i heard hubbys  voice..and cried....cried because it was so sweet....cried because i knew how precious this card would be one day...to whoever is left when we are gone...cried because life is short...and cried because i miss my mom.........this has been such a hard year....

happy valentines day, mommy..you were my first love

catherine

missing frannie & bob

Since I have been going thru my parents things....I have experienced something that i didnt think i would...i found my dad within the pages of her memories...and although it has been 8 years since he died..when i read everything..i can hear him as though he is right here.

their world was WW2....and what followed...the leave it to beaver years...the nice home..the meal always at 6pm and everything was neat and on schedule..

my generation...well we rebelled from all those schedules and threw them all out...the good with the bad...that was our big mistake..we lost much of what was good and try now to recapture so much of it..

my mother  and father had so many friends...so many parties...so much fun... they were such social people...

well i cant remember the last time i had a dinner party and everyone dressed up..

or a fondue party...

or a waffle party where everyone brings a waffle maker..

it is special going thru all the things...

an honor really...a peak into the hearts and lives of some great people..

i miss frannie....and i miss bob

catherine