a year ago........

Mom & my brother & his wife 2 years ago

It was a year ago....

i know i felt real sad today..

no apparent reason..the house was full...people were in and out...my children were on the phone...

but i felt so sad..really blue..

wow..am i depressed?

then i thought...and thought..

and cried...

and realized..

it was a year ago..this weekend....

i had just gotten home from overseas...and just felt in my gut i needed to get home...

so i got back earlier than i planned and sure enough..my mom had been in an accident...and she was injured...and wasn't doing well..she felt stupid...felt at a loss..couldnt see as well..and was ...welll...scared....so i called my brother...and he came out...and we took her to a independant living home. and we left her there. well we hardly "left" her...we stayed with her 24/7 for quite a few weeks, but you get the message..we put her in the independent living facility and mom WAS NOT HAPPY.. she used to say..i am living in hell...

she was mad..

not happy that she was not independent...but she was close to death and her heart was not working..her food intake was horrible..she was NOT taking care of herself...so we did it..

my brother left..and i felt HORRIBLE ..i cried day and night and brought out each of my kids to see her ...to stay with her..to have all of us hang around her...went to every meal...volunteered...you name it...

and you know what?? she began to accept it..slowly and stubbornly...

and finally i said..mom..do you want to go home? i can carpet the house, get someone in to cook for you...but you can go back..you are much better now..and she said...no..i think this is good for me...

at the end she accepted it..

but it was so so hard.

and my brother left. 

and didnt come back to visit for 6 months (um...thanks)

the photo is from her 90th birthday party..that was 2 years ago.

she began to give up after that..she wanted to be with daddy.

i know last year we hurt her a year ago....she was hurt and..mad...

but i know it was the nicest year we had...we had almost every day together...

moments we wouldnt have had...if she had gotten in that car accident and didnt survive.

it was so hard a year ago...but i am so grateful for that year...

mom...i miss you so much

catherine

Happy Mothers Day, Mommy

My first mothers day without you...

all day I thought of you..and missed you........

a few days later...today, I cried..

guess i was holding it in...

missing you mom...

thank you again for being such a good woman.. (can i say it enough?)

my brother is being difficult..

wont get out here to work on the estate..and things feel like they are in limbo...

i dont like that...but what else is new..you know your son...so why exactly did you make him executor??

anyhow...

looking at the springtime...feeling sad and bittersweet..

sure i will feel happy again...

but it feels along way off

catherine

last summer's photo of mom and my son jules..

I have been avoiding this blog.

I admit it.

Not that I haven't thought of it..oh yes, I have...but I have actively avoided it....writing blogs in my head, but not on paper.

I am not sure why..this is supposed to be my place..to emote..to let out those emotions that are like the huge elephant in the room...but no one wants to talk about.

but..i guess i didn't want to talk about it either.

i want to move on...this has been so hard...and i want to move on..i don't want to feel the pain of deep loss.

but how do you move on from your parents....this is impossible....how do you do it...everywhere you look..there are pieces of them...they are not just somebody they are everthing...they are afterall...parents...the stability...the cheerleaders of our lives...at least my parents were...

my biggest fans...

the loss is so deep...it aches..i remember loss before this..it would be the perverbial "sock in the stomach" kind of feeling..but this is much deeper...the pain goes all the way to my toes...there is no end to it..no resolution..it is final..and it hurts...and i miss everything about my parents.

i lived near them, which means i never really moved away..well...that meant that i was around..all the time...so i tried to move away in my life...with other friends..other things to do...

and i know they understood that..they were the same..they were very active people, parents who LIVED life. they didnt mind that we had our own life..in fact, I would say they encouraged it.

but now..i think..why didn't i do this? and why didn't i do that? the regret is really painful.

now i know i did alot..but somehow..when you loose someone you love so much..you wonder if you really did enough.........i know ..this is all part of loss...but it is a very real part...the guilt..the looking back...the wishing i did this and that.

last week, for instance, i went to see my brother..with my hubby. we celebrated my nephews 16th birthday. i had never been to their home. it is 6 hours away..and well, it just was that my brother always drove out here. last year, mom and i were going to go see him but my hubby got sick and i couldnt go. 

my daughter drove her to see my brother before..but not me...why? but i was the one that took her to every doctor appointment, or to her hair, or out to eat all the time..but why not go see my  brother...the things i wish i had done...so many little moments we miss...when we are "busy"with so many other things...........

anyhow..it was good with my brother..i felt i needed to reestablish our relationship...as brother and sister..the only ones left. this hadnt happened yet..and it was important.

he is coming out next week..the dreaded week, when we go thru the stuff..when he takes what he wants and i take what i want...

and the house emptys out...and we say goodbye again.

it is mothers day next week....last year we went to waa muu. my mothers alma matta...and we watched a show and she didnt feel real well. then we went out to eat..and she was tired. 

i was out of town for mothers day last year...with my kids overseas...my son was with her for mothers day..so we celebrated a year ago today...we toasted..and hugged and got her flowers...

i miss my mom so much...................

it doesnt really seem to get any better...

cathi