4 months later........

Tomorrow it will be 4months since my mom died.

In some ways, I am ok...going thru her stuff...sorting things out..putting things away.

Sometimes, I feel like I am ignoring it..trying to get going on other things...but at other moments...I am keenly aware of loosing my mother.

The end of her life was a lonely time for her. She missed my dad ...and she missed my daughters who had all moved away. She had me, but I think that she felt that I had my hubby. Sometimes I dont think she felt as needed. 

Sometimes I think she just felt like she was done and had accomplished all she was supposed to.

Sometimes I think she was just tired and ready to be with my dad.

Going thru her things, there are so many times that I wish I let her know more how much she meant to me.....yet, I know I did, and I know she knew......but there are so many regrets when it comes to death.. I fight them all the time...she was such a part of my life...that I know i took so much for granted....I guess the real reason behind all the regret is that I just miss her so much....

This week was a hard one for my husband. He had to go thru all sorts of tests, found a melanoma on his back, had it removed, had heart tests, blood tests...all of that.

He is fine...thankfully...but it did make me think...was I loving him enough especially now, while I am in this time period. I am sure I have totatlly taken him for granted too...

I guess that is all apart of life...expecting those we love to always be there..to always understand....but we need to remember...that they will not always be there..

I went out with my uncle and aunt last week. my dads brother. it was really special. They had been married 25 years...they were married late in life and my uncle is turning 80 this year. my dad died when he was 85...so I know my uncle is counting his days...

We talked about and  remembered all the family reunions....all the family moments...those days are  long gone....many of those relatives are gone now...there were tears while we were together...

my uncle said..it is up to you now...to make your family strong....to create your own family memories...

I miss my mom...and I miss all those moments that I took for granted...i just miss having a mommy

catherine

Old Sympathy letters...and hidden emotions

The last few days I have been very out of touch with my feelings..just kind of walking in a haze trying to get things done and not really connecting to my heart.

There are good reasons for it..the show must go on..and so on..I have work to do..pressures with bills etc...but these months i wanted to keep close to these emotions  and not be like this...and i found myself drawing, painting, sewing, anything just to get away from emotions.

It is easier that way..but not very productive.

So i began to list on ebay..my other life...and found a large grouping of old letters. I have a lot of random things i need to get  out of my home and this is one of them....so i began to read them..and they were all sympathy notes...and letters from 1920...but the strange thing..maybe because i am grieving, maybe because this is a different time..i really enjoyed reading them..i wanted to keep the grouping...just because the writing was so beautiful....

and then i realized...mmmmm...not connecting with my heart. so i listened to music and i cried.

also actually...and it was good.

then i called one of my mom's friends daughters...she was a gal who lost her mom only weeks before i lost mine. i figured we should be at the same place. 

we were...and i was relieved....do you feel kind of ditzy i said??spacey??yes, she said...

and so on....we found out that in the grieving process...we could really relate....

we are having lunch next week..

catherine

Happy Birthday Frannie.....

March 13th would have been my mom's 92nd birthday. This photo is from her 90th birthday when we threw a large birthday party for her.

I decorated the basement of her church and she invited everyone she knew. She was so excited and she looked forward to it for months. In fact she even had the party in May instead of March because she wanted certain people to be there.

She had a lot of people show up, and those that didn't show up, she got cards from..I mean she got LOTS and LOTS of cards!  

My youngest daughter did a video of her life..it was wonderful...and she loved it...and she watched it over and over again...and so did all her friends..

I told her that I didn't want  her to never know all the people who loved her..I didn't want her funeral to be the place that everyone said nice things...and I didn't want the funeral to be where the video is without her ever knowing...

so it was all said...there were letters...and loads of love and at the end of the day she was grateful at her  wonderful life.. and her wonderful friends...

months after that..she said she was ready...ready to see my dad...ready to be with the Lord...i told her..well..God obviously wasn't ready yet..and she had to hang in there and find the rest of the things that she was supposed to do....and she did...for another year and 9 months...since her 90th celebration...she continued to love...to write notes...to be a friend to everyone..and we got to have wonderful priceless moments together....

After the party...we froze the cake top from her party...over and over again..she wanted me to use it..to celebrate something with it...we forgot to use it for her birthday..(her 91st) and we forgot to use it for her anniversary...and she kept reminding me...i thought it was probably pretty icky by almost 2 years later in moms freezer...so i kind of forgot about it...(mom couldn't taste anyway at the end..so she thought it would be just fine!)

When she died and we did her funeral...we had the video there..instead of looking at her body..everyone looked at the video and sat in the chairs and celebrated her life...

we all just celebrated mom...any notes i got...and i got quite a few..there were no surprises..all the people who talked...all the people who wrote..were the same that said all the loving things to her....her funeral was just an aftermath...she got to enjoy her own eulogy....

on her birthday..a good friend of my mother's daughter took me to lunch...we talked and celebrated our mothers...we missed them..and we reminisced....and we looked at pictures...and there were some touching moments...

my middle daughter drove in with her hubby and was with me for the birthday...

we got the cake out of the freezer.. turned off the lights and lit a candle...and prayed..thanking God for our wonderful Noni....(my hubby even sang)

then we ate the cake...

it wasn't bad..she was right....

but she still wouldn't have been able to taste it..and she was a diabetic..

so i guess i don't feel too bad  that she didnt have it.......but i can tell she would have said..

"well it's about time you ate it!"

catherine

another transition..

My mother was a grandmother and i mean a GRANDMOTHER..you know the type..the ones that made everything about the grandkids..everything....

and i lived close by..which means that she was in their lives all the time..

from the minute they were born..

(literally as in the case of my youngest) and at every function possible..

even in my moms 89th year, she headed out to see my middle daughter married, would not miss it for the world..( and she was married in Italy!)

she truly excelled at being a grandmother...

she really was our biggest fan and gave unconditional love..

so when she lay dying last december, I was fortunate to have one of my daughters with me...the other two live overseas..and i was able to put them on the phone...and she was able to talk with them before she died..

we talked about how they were fine...how she did such a good job...

how she didnt have to worry about them....

she heard me...and a tear fell down her cheek...

so when she died, all my children came back...two flew in from out of the country....

and then, over the weeks after..one by one they went home...

but my eldest  was able to stay for awhile..she has been here since my mom died...since her beloved "noni" died...the timing amazingly enough was perfect and she was in a good place finishing up her degree and had a few months that she could give  to me...helping me clean out the house..go thru the papers..haul out things..go to lawyers.. accountants...and all of that....we went to movies...shopped, hung out and cried...we had long late night talks...and it was quite special...

and today..almost 3 months have gone by...and it was time for her to fly to her home, to go on with HER life. I was so so fortunate to have been able to have that much time with her...amazing...

so i took her to the airport...and suddenly i felt as though that crutch that i didnt even know i was using...was taken away...for a few moments, maybe even more than a few..inside,  i was really shook...

we of course ...hugged...we of course.. cried...but i could tell  and so could she),  it is time....

i know noni would want it that way... she would want her grandchildren's lives to be rich and full....she would be the cheerleader in the front telling all her friends about all my kids latest accomplishments...

noni, thank you for loving my kids so much...for being there for everything...for every phone call..for everytime you babysat...everytime you picked them up from school, or girl scouts, for all the school plays we went to..or band concerts...for all the birthday parties..for all the cards ..i cant even begin to list all the things you did..for you were such a foundation for them..but most of all..thank you, for all the unconditional love and support and for teaching my children what love looks like...

catherine

meeting with her girlfriend...

Today, I went out with one of my mom's friends. (this photo is of her and the gal i went out with)  She wrote me a sweet note, so I wanted to give her some photos of mom and her and all her groups..and talk with her.

But, yesterday, i had gone with my daughter to my moms fav restaurant. i am trying to go to all those places with my daughter..since each place holds so many memories.. i know that being with my daughter will help this ...and i knew we would talk..

so we did...alot...and by last evening, i was begining to get overwhelmed...maybe i was anticipating todays meeting..maybe i was just weary ...grief is hard to carry...

So this afternoon, ..mom's friend M and I  met for lunch...and we went to bakers square..it was free pie afternoon and that meant that all the senoirs came out...and it was ash wednesday...which in some churches is the rememberance of "Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." 

i was early..and sat with my box of photos and an old scrapbook to give to my moms friend...and here were all these lovely older people with walkers and ashes on their heads..each of them smiled at me and many of them talked with me ( i have one of those faces i guess)  and soon my heart started to grow heavy with grief...and in came my moms friend.. i immediately got up and hugged her...

M and I  talked for hours...she talked about her family...and her life...she had been feeling quite alone..she lost her hubby, her dog, my mom (one of her closest friends) and another one of her friends...

so we sat and looked at photos...and hugged and cried...

then i had to go to the bathroom... (way too much coffee!!)...and when i got in there..i remembered the last time i had been there, it was only months ago,  i was helping my mom get into the bathroom..so grateful to be able to help her....she with her independence..and me with my wanting to help her anyway i could...it was only months ago...and today i was sitting with her friend remembering a woman i just saw a few months ago.....

and i missed her..i missed my mom so much ..right in the middle of bakers square bathroom..missing caring for her...hearing her voice...hugging her..laughing with her...

i wish there was some kind of handbook to follow to get us through all this...it is so hard...sometimes..it feels like..ok..i can do this...life goes on...and other times..i just crumble under the sheer weight of loosing my mother....

it was ash wednesday today...."Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

i don't really like celebrating the remembrance of us being dust...

catherine

Its Valentines Day............

I have read that when you loose someone close to you..that after a while, you need to take time from each day to grieve. You have to go on thru your ordinary life..but you must take time to grieve..or it creeps up on you at the most unexpected times..

2 days ago it was my dad's birthday...he was born on Abraham Lincolns birthday..and would have been 93 if he would have lived. I know several people who are 93, and wonder why my dad had to die at 85...yet..i know he died well......i miss my dad...and as i thought of him...i was glad he and mom were together...

Today is valentines day...the other day...

i found a HUGE box of Valentines of moms...from when she was a little girl..way back to the 1920s..

beautiful old valentines...and loads of them...from her dad, her mom, her friends...these cards were precious to her...

my husband told me to sell them on ebay....uh...no....

my dad used to make us cards for valentines day..he would draw pictures and get us chocolate..and his cards were the best...i have loads of hand made cards from my dad thru the years...

and then there is my mom...all the years of valentines cards that I got from her. she always gave cards to all the grand kids..and whoever else was living in our house at that moment. (we always have people living in our home) and of course she always tucked in a 5 or $10 bill. and for ed and me it was always $20.

i dont really remember last valentines day..did i take her out?? probably..i really dont remember..i always took my mom out...so probably..she was just always there...and even though i knew she was aging...and tired most of the time...and that she had congestive heart failure, it just never occured to me that she would die..i mean i knew it...i just didnt KNOW it..i dont care how prepared you are for the death of a parent ..you are never really prepared at all.

so i dont remember last valentines day..if i made it special...or if it was who we were together that was special..mom and me this past year...we had alot of time together...

this week, i had to get all her papers to the accountant..call my brother (executer) get him to get involved..i was overwhelmed..sad...and then i watched movies..too many of them...and tv shows...and more movies...and finally remembered i need a place..a place for my grief..so that i can get thru the everyday..and have a normal life....while i get thru the grief...

i havent been writing on this...and i need to..............

today, on this valentines day, my hubby gave me a beautiful card ...when you open it, it played a recording  he made..and then a song..so i heard hubbys  voice..and cried....cried because it was so sweet....cried because i knew how precious this card would be one day...to whoever is left when we are gone...cried because life is short...and cried because i miss my mom.........this has been such a hard year....

happy valentines day, mommy..you were my first love

catherine

missing frannie & bob

Since I have been going thru my parents things....I have experienced something that i didnt think i would...i found my dad within the pages of her memories...and although it has been 8 years since he died..when i read everything..i can hear him as though he is right here.

their world was WW2....and what followed...the leave it to beaver years...the nice home..the meal always at 6pm and everything was neat and on schedule..

my generation...well we rebelled from all those schedules and threw them all out...the good with the bad...that was our big mistake..we lost much of what was good and try now to recapture so much of it..

my mother  and father had so many friends...so many parties...so much fun... they were such social people...

well i cant remember the last time i had a dinner party and everyone dressed up..

or a fondue party...

or a waffle party where everyone brings a waffle maker..

it is special going thru all the things...

an honor really...a peak into the hearts and lives of some great people..

i miss frannie....and i miss bob

catherine