it is christmas.....................

Dear Mom.........

Right now, it is 1:30am, the festivities are over...and here i sit at my computer thinking of y0u.

I am thinking of the pain you right before you died, when we were talking with you, loving on you and telling you how much you meant to us.....when you realized that it was the last time we would see you...and the tear that fell from your eyes...

This Christmas, I sat in your home, filled with your grandkids, and thought of how happy you would have been.

Sometimes, I just don't understand life. In those old days when the kids were young and you and dad were young...those were magical days...we knew it...we appreciated it...we tried to live every moment..but day by day..they all slipped away...and everyone grew older. today, I look at myself in the old bathroom mirror that I used to use to put makeup on in high school, and I dont even recognize myself. .....we are born..and grow up ..and slowly grow old..and then we ourselves are gone.

there are so many days that I dont even realize that time passes..i waste it watching silly tv programs or not taking advantage of every day...

other days...i try to appreciate every moment...but it is so hard...because before you know it ..it passes right in front of you.

tonight we set the table, full of sparkle..and light...you would have loved how your house looked.
i had so many dinners at that table. and tonight, it was my turn, with ed sitting in dad's spot and me sitting in yours.
how wierd that was...like a distant memory..while we were struggling to make new ones.

mom, I missed you so many times today....

and then tonight I thought of that tear...that last tear when we were saying goodbye right before you died...and i think it was then that you realized it was our goodbye.

i miss you so much mom..more than words....
merry christmas mommy..............
thank you for giving me such a wonderful life

cathi

Merry Christmas mom..................

My favorite Christmas song...

one year ago tomorrow

Happy Thanksgiving mom...........

I miss you mom.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. Ed and I live in your house, and Hayley is staying in your room. You would have loved it...Specially seeing the girls as much as I did this year.

Tonight i fell on the cement coming outside the bank. It was dark and raining and there was a pothole...and suddenly i was face down on the ground. My nose bled. I have a fat lip and I look at myself and I think of all those times you fell in the last years.

A year ago, we were at the Tamarack for Thanksgiving..we were so sure we were going to get you to come home for Thanksgiving..but then you took a turn for the worse...and on Thanksgiving you felt pretty terrible. It was you and me and Ed and Jules and Christine and you barely ate...didnt even want the pecan pie.

it has been a year ...and yet i still hear your voice in my mind...I am amazed at what a momma's girl i was...and am...and how deep it is..
i find this so hard to live without you.
this isnt a real happy post....but i am thankful...
thankful mom..for you....for dad..for the love and stability you gave me...
thankful that the reason i feel so much pain is because i had so much love...

i miss you mom..
happy thanksgiving...i hope you are thankful now.....
catherine

October already...and 2 months away from 1 year

Dear Blog,
I have avoided you............
not because I don't have anything to say...but because I simply have not taken the time to say it...sometimes it was too much...just too much emotion...
I was so going to post all the time...and pour out my heart on what it was like to loose a parent..

but sometimes i felt all the feelings were repetitive...

then in the past few months...
BIG changes have occurred
we had an estate sale for my mothers home,
then we moved everything out of it......and also packed up our own home and MOVED to my mom's old home......
the economy has taken it's toll on my hubby's manufacturing business...and life has been tough...

so we decided to sell the HUGE house...5+ bedrooms..and inherit my mothers and live in it...simply ....cheaply and fix it up as we go along..

it is a good plan...

but...
how do you get around all the feelings of loss?
Selling our house is necessary...i agree..
but packing it all up after 20 years of living there...full of memories...was quite painful.
we did it however..
and we moved into mom's on the 9th of september. we have been here a month..and have yet to fix anything...(and EVERYTHING needs fixing) because we are spending all our time and money in our old home...getting it ready for the market..

yes, i know it is NOT the time of year to sell ...but then i am hoping....that just one right buyer comes along...and sees our beautiful home...and wants it..

in the meantime, at our old home..we have put in new floors, fixed bathrooms, outside, the kitchen...everything..we really LIVED in our home..and so everything needed painting and fixing.

and now we are at mom's. without her.
we have inherited this house now..it is ours.
but until i can take down some wallpaper and move some walls it will still be hers...

now there is a comfort in this...

but also a sadness..
i am grateful for the gift she gave us...

from a different era..my parents didnt spend money..they lived in the same home for 60 years...
and were careful with every penny....
in the end..they were well taken care of and my brother and i were as well.
he got the money.
i got the house..

good for both of us...

as we enter into winter..i just want spring to begin..
my old house sold..my new childhood home to be fixed up...
walls to be moved..wallpaper taken off.... a new kitchen a new bathroom..you name it...
i want new...something new..
i want to BUILD on the foundation that my parents have given me..but i dont want to LIVE in all the memories ALL the time...

but NOW...i am in the time where i have to embrace the grief that is in front of me and make it my friend...so that i can move on....so that the sweet embrace of good memories and happy lives that mom and dads house gives me...will turn into the foundation of my hubby and my life..


the other day..i walked into the living room..with my mothers dinning room table..
for a split second i was back years..at her dinner parties..full of good food and happy people...

for a moment i cried...longing for the day to make new memories as i close out these chapters of the past.

the photo is of mom and dad in the room my husband and i now sleep in.

waiting already for the spring to come.....
catherine

Clearing out the house....

It has been 7+months and I have been working for these past few months getting things done around my mom's home...and trying to clean up and clear out...

But now it is time...

I am having an estate sale in the next few weeks...and we have gone thru almost all of it...

my darling middle daughter is here with me...

at the same time..my hubby has had to take a huge cut in pay because of the economy...and after the past few years of loads of financial struggles we have made the decision to sell our house and move into my moms...we need financial freedom...it will change our lives and we need it...i dont see any other way....

but.........i have such mixed emotions...

on one hand..i am so blessed to have a mom and dad that took such good care of their finances that we can inherit this house...what a blessing..(that was their depression mind set)

and as i go thru all their paperwork, i see how it was their dream...their future..their hope...

i run across all the paperwork that my dad so carefully saved of every little thing he did in the house...

and then i look at my husband and i know that the house we are in now is his dream...and that he is truly broken hearted and keeps hoping for a last minute miracle. (but now we are in the modern day depression)

and the work...

there is so much work...

we have a Huge house..and i didnt hesitate to fill it.

and i am trying so hard to be happy and cheery and full of life and every now and then i just get so sad at all the loss in the past few years....

but i know how life is...i know that ecclesiastes is true ...that there is a time for everything...and in time..it will all work out ok....

and i have tender memories at my parents home...good memories...happy memories...

so it is a peaceful place for me....

BUT the work!

finishing the sale...

finishing the house we are in now...

packing...storing...going thru stuff...

everything is simply overwhelming..

"hot dog" wish i had a million dollars...(from Its a wonderful life!)

ah.......

cleaning out the old memories..building on a strong foundation...

can i make new memories in this house of theirs?

i miss y0u mommy..

thank you...........................................

catherine

The photo on the top is mom...the photo on the bottom looks like her...and my daughter who is selling photos now...found this one.....thought i would ad this on this post.

It has been 4 weeks...since i have written.

It is summer...this is the time of SO many memories..last year..was the full year of doing everything with mom during the summer..

this summer..i am much more lost..while still trying to get things done..

still trying to work...

still going thru stuff in my home..and in my parents home...still going thru stuff...

i met with her girlfriends...3 different ones..

we had a nice time...shared photos..

i talked with some of her groups...friends of the library...it was nice as well.........

i cried one day sooo much...

other days..i just kept on....numb and then not numb....

and my brother finally came....and we worked on what we wanted and where we were at..

it was a nice time...

more final for him...

more hopeful actually for me...

now hubby and i are going to work on selling our home...

move into moms...

get out of debt...

still saying goodbye..

i think i believe in rubber maid tubs...tubs to hold those things i cant yet throw out..but am sure i should...

so hard.......

miss you mommmy.....so much......................

catherine